Tag Archives: alabama rednecks

My Iron Bowl

20 Sunday Nov 2011

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The Iron Bowl. Just the name of this game immediately instills an often visceral reaction in many from the state of Alabama. However I came to know this rivalry in a different manner than many.  I am not a native Alabamian. No one in my family attended either school or had any allegiances.  We were Gators.  We moved to a small town outside of Birmingham, AL from a suburb of Ft. Lauderdale, FL in 1992. I celebrated my 16th birthday in the new city and I was miserable. I didn’t want to move. My entire life, I’d had an unwavering faith that I would attend college at The University of Florida.  By moving out of state, that dream was now seriously in doubt.  In my 16 year old opinion, this move have ruined my life. My parents tried to make the best of it and I truly don’t think they realized how upset I was, because I had learned from an early age that you put your big girl panties on and deal. But inside? Inside I wanted to hate everything about Alabama. It had taken me away from my friends that I’d known since I was 2 years old. It had taken me away from school and all the hard work I’d put into leadership activities and honors I’d worked to achieve.  The move had knocked me for a serious loop. I was disinclined to learn to like Alabama.

I was wrong.

Upon our move, my family immediately learned one thing.  We had to pick a team.  We got the question constantly.  “Who you for?”  While visiting our new home while it was under construction, I remember my Dad telling a soon to be neighbor that we were Gators and the man smiling and saying, “Thats nice, but in Alabama you’re either an Auburn fan or an Alabama fan.”  Part of the reason we’d moved to Alabama was that my God Parents and their two sons had already relocated there.  The boys were probably the closest thing to big brothers I had at the time.  One of them was enrolled at Auburn.  That was our only tie to the school.  We didn’t know a soul who went to Alabama.  We knew a lot of fans (and frankly hadn’t been all that impressed with what we’d seen in our short time in that small town).  We told him we must be Auburn fans because my God Brother was a student there.  A blip on the history radar, but a significant one.  We’d just declared our allegiance.  Little did we know how important that was.  We were Gators.  I’d grown up hating Florida State and Miami.  They were in their prime when I was a child and pre teen. We knew what a rivalry was – or so we thought.  I knew about the Cocktail party, but the University of Georgia was so far away it was insignificant to me.  So we were now Auburn fans.  Ok.  They had the same colors as UF.  Whatever.

Within a few months of moving to Alabama, Bama played for the National Championship against Miami.  That made my allegiance to the SEC very easy.  I’d grown up hating Miami (and still do!).  I was an Alabama fan for a night.  We watched the game and then when Bama won, my friend and I ran around her barn screaming “Roll Tide!” like idiots.  I learned to like my new high school. No, it was never as good as my old school academically (not even close, sorry folks – I won’t pull punches on that, the academics were pitiful) or with activities, but I made some good friends and college was on the horizon.  Going away to college was my beacon of hope.  In this small town we moved to, my high school was in its first year as a separate entity.  The prior year it had been a K-12.  Yes.  Kindergarten to 12th grade.  I couldn’t fathom that.  These kids had mainly grown up in Alabama.  They constantly talked about Bama this and Bama that.  But when I asked if they were going to go to school there, most of them had no plans to attend college.  It puzzled me.  How could you not go to college??  The Auburn fans were different.  They were a much smaller group, but to a man they planned to attend school there.  I definitely knew I was in the right group. In one class, a guy who had a particular habit of getting on my last nerve (this turned out to be Psycho Stalker Elvis for those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time!) would go on and on about The Bear.  You had to be living under a rock to not know who the Bear was, but I couldn’t understand the obsession.  The reverence.  In my 16 year old brain, they should be revering the current coach.  After a particularly annoying lecture about how awesome the Bear was, I turned to the guy and said, “The Bear is DEAD.  Get over it!”  The classroom came to a hushed, awkward silence.  I had committed sacrilege.  I had spoken against Bear Bryant.  My fate was sealed.

After reviewing my options, I eventually settled on Auburn University as the place where I’d go to college, but I wasn’t particularly enthused about it until the summer before my freshman year.  I’d grown up my entire life assuming I’d go to UF.  My senior quote in the yearbook said it all, “Forever true to the Orange & Blue.  Go Gators and War Eagle!”  I wasn’t ready to let go of my inner Gator.  That was all about to change.  I attended the original Camp War Eagle at the 4H camp in Columbiana, AL.  It was their experiment with the program.  They wanted to change the way they did freshman orientation.  A group of about 100 incoming freshmen and some very enthusiastic counselors and staff spent a weekend sharing their love of Auburn with each other.  I don’t know if I can put my finger on a specific point it all clicked for me, but by the end of that weekend I bled only one shade of orange and blue – Burnt Orange and Navy Blue.  I was an Auburn girl.

I went off to Auburn for 6 years.  They were the happiest of my life.  I earned two degrees from the university.  I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had because of the school.  I did everything I possibly could in every official capacity to represent Auburn and what we stood for.  I could recite the Auburn Creed from memory.  And I learned just how intense the Auburn vs. Alabama rivalry was.  My junior year, I was the Director of Better Relations for Student Government.  One of the schools we had to have “better relations” with?  The reason the day existed?  Yes, The University of Alabama.  The game had gone on hiatus for 40 years early in the 1900′s and in order for the teams to resume playing every year, an agreement had to be signed detailing such minute items like the number of people in the band and the length of the half time show.  I’m not kidding.  Technically, if that little piece of paper wasn’t signed every year – the Iron Bowl couldn’t be played.  No one really took the threat of the schools not playing seriously anymore, but the history was still there and very respected.  We signed the damn paper.  Delegates from each school would go to the home team’s campus every year to officially sign the agreement.  We’d then share our traditions with each other and show the delegates around.  I will never forget that when it was Alabama’s turn to host us, they put us up in some old dorms that weren’t even used for students anymore.  It showed a blatant lack of respect for us.  We’d housed them in the AU Conference Center and treated them with dignity.  They put us in a soon to be condemned dormitory.  Y’all think that “Little Brother” attitude is just an Auburn thing?  Think again.  I experienced that arrogance from Alabama fans, students, and alums first hand.  I do separate the three groups (as any college football fan should) because I think each level of fandom has its own level of sanity and perspective.    But thats a topic for a whole different blog.  The Auburn vs. Alabama rivalry didn’t just apply to football either.  Any other school in any other sport was just a game, or if that team was particularly good at that sport (like say Kentucky for basketball) you’d expect the arena to be sold out.  ANY game against Alabama sold out.  Women’s volleyball.  Lacrosse.  Soccer. Club team rugby.  SOLD OUT.  I remember playing Alabama in baseball and friends had pulled their huge truck up behind the back fence of right field and engineered a scaffold like structure to elevate the platform above the wall.  We then installed kegs in the truck and put couches on top.  Voila.  Best seats in the house.  The entire back wall was lined with fans like us with various creative ways to watch the sold out games.  We were on ESPN.  We wanted to beat everyone, but you HAD to beat Alabama.

But everyone knew, in the grand scheme of things this rivalry was really about football.  Yes, I knew about Finebaum and his trash show but I didn’t listen.  I thought his hate mongering was disgusting.  We went through the new turn of the century with Tuberville and he beat Alabama 6 times in a row.  I still remember “Fear the Thumb!” and the absolute joy it instilled in Auburn fans.  The playing field was being leveled between the two schools.  As much as Alabama hated to admit it, “Little Brother” Auburn had grown up, gotten bigger, and had kicked his big brothers ass a few times to prove his point.  Auburn was here and here to stay.  The dynamics in the state shifted.  Even my own blog reflected this. We joyfully embraced the rivalry and the smack talk.  Auburn was denied the right to play for the National Championship in 2004 – which gave Alabama fans no small amount of joy.  We were kept “in our place”.  This was actually said to me by a particularly arrogant Alabama fan.  And for the record, no, he didn’t go to school there.

It started to get ugly.

When Nick Saban became the coach at Alabama, it signaled a new era for Alabama and their football program.  Within a few years, Saban had turned their program around, Tuberville was fired, and Alabama was back on top.  Many Alabama fans viewed this as their God given right.  All was well in the world now that that temporary period of Auburn winning was over.  It had all just been a bad dream.  In 2009, they got their first Heisman trophy.  They won the National Championship.  As I’d cluelessly done back in 1992, I once again cheered for them to win – this time knowing full well what the win would mean for the state of Alabama.  Better the SEC than another school in my opinion (yes, I’d also cheered for LSU and Florida – I’m an unapologetic SEC homer).  But to many, this was the moment; Alabama was BACK.  Friends that live in Alabama said that it was pretty intolerable that year.  I was insulated from it, living in Atlanta.  I have to endure Georgia fans.  We all have our burdens to bear.

While Alabama was still reveling in the glory of their championship, Auburn began to be the little engine that could.  We’d win, no matter what the circumstance.  Cam Newton was a beast.  Nick Fairley was a ball of hate.  Our team was packed with seniors with talent to spare.  We kept winning.  Alabama fans (and most other fans, for that matter) gleefully embraced the Cam Newton controversy.  They kept waiting for the NCAA hammer to drop.  The Finebaum show became toxic.  At any point, Auburn’s momentum was going to be crushed by a fatal blow from the NCAA.  But that blow never came.  Auburn won.  And won.  And won.  The Iron Bowl came around.  The biggest comeback in college football that I know of.  Alabama was convinced they’d dealt us a death blow.  Auburn never gave up.  The 2nd half was an entirely different game.  28-27.  Auburn won.  Alabama was stunned.  Someone duct taped a Cam Newton jersey to the statue of Bear Bryant on Alabama’s campus.  The picture went viral.  Band wagon Alabama fans lost their minds over the desecration of the sacred Bear’s statue.

Auburn man handled South Carolina in the SEC Championship Game.  Cam Newton won the Heisman, joining the ranks of Bo Jackson and Pat Sullivan as Auburn recipients of the award.  Auburn had 2 undefeated seasons in 2 decades, yet as long as they weren’t able to play for a national title, this wasn’t a threat to Alabama.  National Championships were THEIR territory.  Yet this time, we were not going to be denied.  We went on to Glendale.  A lot of Alabama fans became Oregon fans.  Yes, we see this with all rivalries, but Alabama fans were actually buying Yellow and Green Alabama gear that said, “Roll Ducks Roll.”  They were branding the game.  Even Oregon fans knew of the hatred between the schools.  Auburn fans were frequently greeted with chants of “Roll Tide!” from Oregon fans trying to get under our skin.  What they didn’t realize was that just demeaned them in our eyes.  They were emphatically NOT Alabama.  We’d beaten Alabama.  If they couldn’t beat us with their own swagger and smack talk, that was just sad.

Auburn won the National Championship.  For the first time since 1957, we had a national championship.  Yet even then, we were not given the courtesy of being allowed to enjoy it.  Spiteful, hateful things were said.  “Enjoy it while it lasts.”  “Auburn and Southern Cal, both cheaters!”  It went on and on – even, surprisingly, from very bitter and jealous Georgia fans.  Auburn had managed to do what they hadn’t since 1980.  But between Auburn and Alabama,  the level of spite, of vitriol, of absolute hatred was unparalleled.  I’d never seen anything like it.  Things were spiraling out of control, getting more toxic by the day.  Our “little brother” attitude was getting the best of even some of the Auburn people I truly admired and respected.  I’d never viewed Auburn as a little brother to Alabama because I wasn’t from Alabama.  I saw them as rivals.  But to many, the rivalry was now out of control.

Then the rivalry reached an epic level – one documented quite well by ESPN in “Roll Tide / War Eagle” if you only look at the last 2 years – the Toomer’s Oaks were poisoned.  To us, the Toomer’s Oaks were more than just an Auburn tradition.  They were directly attacked by someone who wanted to deal a death blow to the heart of the Auburn faithful.  Over a football rivalry.  For a short period, the two schools rallied together.  Tide for Toomer’s donated thousands to save the trees in respect for tradition.  The incident completely changed my perspective on this rivalry.  We needed to rise above it.  We needed to recognize it for what it was, competition and nothing more.  If not, Updyke would be just the beginning.  He would “win”.

When the tornados spread through the state of Alabama, Georgia, and up into South Carolina and Tennesee – we all watched in stunned silence as news footage showed that Tuscaloosa had been directly hit by a massive storm.  The damage was devastating.  Many lives were lost.  Some (true assholes) made comments about this being karma or somehow related to God’s view of the University of Alabama.  But most didn’t.  The sane, the rational, the good people of Alabama rallied.  Toomer’s for Tuscaloosa became one of the largest support groups for tornado relief.  Support from Auburn alumni and fans poured in from across the nation, even around the world.  I participated in tornado relief fund raisers in Atlanta and Denver.  The largest group at both events after Alabama fans?  Auburn fans.  We had received a reality check from Mother Nature that made our petty grievances seem childish.  Nothing was more sacred than human lives.

So what does this rivalry mean to me?  For me it isn’t 24/7 anymore.  This past year has taught me that I cannot view this game as anything but a game.  I still want to beat Alabama, but there is far more to life than football.    I still cheer for the Gators when they aren’t playing Auburn.  I now also cheer for Georgia because my brother and cousins are UGA grads and students.  I learned to love Alabama, for all its crazy.  I learned that not all Alabama fans feel the way that the most vocal and hateful do.  I became a proud Southern Belle.  I learned to like sweet tea, wear sun dresses and cowboy boots or flip flops to football games, and to say “Y’all” with pride.  I am proud I hold a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree from Auburn University.  I will tease my friends who are Alabama alums.  Yet I will not teach hate to my future children, nor will I condone hate in any form.  As we’ve seen this past year, hatred only leads to more hate.  Auburn and Alabama fans came together in the best ways possible as a result of these terrible events this year.  Its time to put aside the year long insanity and appreciate the game one day a year.

I’ll be cheering for my Tigers from New York City this year.  Last year it was from the deck of a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  Next year?  Who knows.  I gave up my 50 yard line ticket and my suite in a B&B in Auburn to be with my family.  I will cheer for my Tigers with 2 Florida Gators and a Georgia Bulldog by my side.  BEAT ALABAMA.  ”WAR EAGLE, FOREVER.”

Toomer’s Corner – More than Tradition

16 Wednesday Feb 2011

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There aren’t many favorite memories of my time in Auburn (for the curious, this was 6 years and 2 degrees earned) that didn’t involve Toomer’s Corner. I was there for New Years Eve 1999 – 2000 (when we all survived Y2K). I was there to roll the trees with friends on the baseball team on their own after they returned home from winning the SEC championship. The toilet paper was still in the trees from the fan celebration the night before, but we were there the next day with the players to give them their personal Auburn moment. I was there to roll the trees after every major home game and many major away games when I couldn’t go to the game itself. I’ve been clocked on the head by an industrial sized roll of toilet paper, picked it up, and hurled it granny style back up into the oak trees. I gave university tours as a Student Recruiter and Camp War Eagle Counselor underneath those branches. I remember pointing out the bullet holes in the eagle statues. Toomer’s lemonade is still one of the best beverages ever. A dear friend and I had planned to be there for the night of the National Championship game and had to cancel our trip because of the weather. My friends and I rolled Toomer’s one night my Senior year when I was chosen as one of the top candidates for an Auburn honor. I’d always planned to sneak down to Auburn with a few friends and roll the trees when I finally got engaged (yes, this is a fantasy considering I don’t even have a boyfriend). There were times I even envisioned myself getting married at the University Chapel and my guests running across the street to celebrate my personal ultimate victory. Cheesy? Yes, but it shows how important the Toomer’s tradition is to the Auburn faithful. Toomer’s Corner is more than just a place Auburn fans went to celebrate an Auburn win. It stood for more than that. It stood as a symbol of never giving up hope. Of celebrating any win, no matter how small. The Auburn family sharing a moment together in joyful celebration. It didn’t matter if it was 4 girls rolling Toomer’s on a random Tuesday night after call outs at Cater Hall, people would honk their horns and yell “War Eagle!” and for a moment, we were all a family.

Today, the Auburn family learned that on January 27th, a caller on the Paul Finebaum sports talk radio show claimed he’d poisoned the two century + year old Live Oak trees at Toomer’s after the Iron Bowl game last fall. “Al from Dadeville” even gave the exact type of herbicide he’d used to kill the trees. He said he did it in retaliation because he’d heard Auburn fans rolled Toomer’s Corner in 1983 when Bear Bryant died (this, in fact, never happened) and because a Cam Newton jersey had been duct taped to the statue of said same revered Alabama Coach. As a precaution, soil samples were taken to ensure he wasn’t just making a false claim. He wasn’t lying. The trees had, in fact, been poisoned. Poisoned with 10x the amount of poison needed to kill trees of that size. The amount of poison used, and the type of herbicide used, was enough to not only kill the Federally and State protected rare 100+ year old Live Oak trees, but potentially kill all the plants in the nearby areas of Samford park. Federal authorities began an investigation to ensure the ground water supply had not been poisoned (which is actually considered to be an act of terrorism). The Auburn faithful reacted in shock, horror, and anger. Toomer’s is more than just a place we fling around toilet paper. Its the equivalent of the The Denny Chimes at Alabama to us. Its the equivalent of the Arches at the University of Georgia. Its the gateway to our campus. Its hard to fathom an Auburn fan driving a bulldozer onto campus at the Univerity of Alabama and knocking over their Chimes or the Bear Bryant statue. No one would ever believe you if you told them someone had done that, but that is, in essence, what this crazed Alabama fan just did to our trees. He didn’t just poison a tree, he tried to poison a symbol of the Auburn spirit.

Amazingly, the idiot who did this failed to remember a few major facts. One, there is a web cam at Toomer’s Corner that has archived video. Smile for the camera, psycho. Two, the radio will have call records of numbers that dialed in. Three, you sort of gave your name and told us where you’re from, Al. Smart, eh? So rest assured my friends, this guy will be caught and he will go to jail.

One of my best friends from Auburn just called because she’d heard the news about the trees at Toomer’s. For a minute, we both almost cried thinking about those trees and all of our happy memories there. They are more than just a symbol of generations of tradition. They were a gift we could share with future generations of Auburn fans. Hurricane Opal couldn’t take them down. But a redneck with a twisted sense of revenge has tried to take out what Mother Nature herself couldn’t do. The thing is, if these trees do die, Toomer’s Corner will still be there. We’ll plant another set of Live Oaks. Someone has already suggested that, if this sad event does occur, we could call the trees our Championship trees. The Auburn tradition will carry on. Auburn fans rolled cacti out in Arizona after our win over Oregon on January 10th. We will still give rolls of toilet paper to wedding guests in the out of town gift baskets. We will still pay exorbitant prices for Toomer’s Drug Store branded rolls of TP. We will still remember that a classless act of malicious vandalism cannot stop the Auburn spirit. Pray that the trees will survive. Hope that this criminal gets caught. But remember that he called into that radio show to announce his petty vengeance on the Auburn family because he wanted us to suffer. He wanted us to hurt. If anyone wondered why this rivalry is considered to be one of the most intense, in my opinion THE most intense, in college football (let alone sports) this is a perfect example. Its the only college rivalry to ever be banned by law for decades. Auburn and Alabama weren’t even allowed to play one another for a very long time. It took an act of the state legislature to get the games reinstated because of acts of stupidity just like this. So don’t sink to this redneck’s level, Auburn. Don’t retaliate. Remember that this wasn’t a prank. A prank is planting rye grass with the score of the Iron Bowl (28-27) in Tuscaloosa. Pranks go away, they aren’t permanent. You laugh at pranks. No one is laughing about this. At least no one with any sense of respect for their friends, neighbors, and other schools. This was a crime that crossed a line. This was a direct shot at a tradition we all hold dear with no intention other than to cause harm. But trees can be replaced. Your love of our traditions cannot. Your memories of Toomer’s Corner and our love of Auburn live on. So remember these famous words, written by a young David Housel years ago:

WHAT IS AUBURN?

“What is Auburn?

Far be it from me to try to answer that question. There are as many definitions of Auburn as there are Auburn men and women.

It would be safe to say, however, that Auburn is much more than a football game. It is much more than winning and losing.

It is a spirit. It is an attitude. It is a way of looking at life and at one another. It is, almost, a way of living. Unless you have experienced it, you will never know what it is; you will never understand it. Once you have experienced it, you will never be the same. A part of you will, forevermore, be an Auburn man or an Auburn woman.”

-David Housel

The above quote was originally published as a part of a larger article titled “Spirit(s) of Auburn” printed in Auburn Football Illustrated on September 20, 1980

Remember, my this, my Auburn friends. It isn’t about winning or losing – that is what this Alabama fan fails to understand and will never understand. He may have poisoned the trees at Toomer’s, but Auburn isn’t Toomer’s Corner. To others, Toomer’s Corner is a place we go to celebrate our wins. So, in his crazed Bama fan logic, he killed the trees and thus killed our spirits. We know know that Toomer’s is a part of our great tradition, but we are more than that. We are the Auburn Family. We have a spirit that is not afraid. Rise above it.

“War Eagle”

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Its GAME DAY!

11 Saturday Sep 2010

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Ahh, the smell of football in in the air (bourbon, for the uninformed).  Can y’all feel it?  Its game day in the South!  Now that my beloved Auburn Tigers have reminded Mississippi State that they are, in fact, from Mississippi and should know their role, I can focus on other topics but before I get to my picks, here are my personal observations from Thursday’s game:

  • What is UP with the techno music being played during the game in Starkville?  Can someone please tell them that glow sticks are SO 1998?
  • You know, I’ve never really noticed how SMALL Mississippi State’s stadium is.  Its so cute.  There are some high schools in Texas that may have bigger stadiums.  You just want to pinch the stadium’s cheeks.  So precious.  "Coochie coo!"
  • Of course, part of the reason that their stadium looks so small is the RIDICULOUS jumbo tron they have on one end of the stadium.  I kept wanting to hum, "One of these things does not go together!  One of these things does not belong!"  You know what they say about schools who overcompensate with big jumbotrons?  Yeah, that’s fairly obvious in this situation.  If Mississippi State had a girlfriend we’d all be giving her knowing and slightly pitying glances. 
  • Cam Newton is a BEAST!
  • Where did that O-Line come from?  Whoot!
  • Nick Fairley is a defensive GOD.
  • Lee Zeimba is ok folks.  No tears in the knee were seen in the MRI!  WDE!

But before I go into today’s predictions, who would have thought that Mississippi State would be better than Ole Miss this year?  Did y’all SEE that last week?  Ole Miss went into double overtime with Jacksonville State.  Let me repeat that.  JACKSONVILLE STATE.  I actually AGREE with Paul Finebaum on this one: "…this is Nutt’s third season at Ole Miss and his 13th straight in the SEC. You don’t lose to Jacksonville State, particularly after gambling almost all your chips on picking up Jeremiah Masoli on waivers from Oregon."  A few weeks ago I blogged about conferences voting out non performing members.  If this were up for a vote, Ole Miss might actually get more votes than Vandy or Kentucky!  This is what you get for allowing the movement for Admiral Ackbar to become your mascot get to be this huge.  My inner geek swoons in delight, but you have angered the football Gods, Ole Miss! 

Game Day is on and I’m enjoying the sight of the Auburn fans scattered through the crowd, at much risk to their personal safety.  Now that is the sign of a true fan!  WDE!  Onto the predictions:  today is going to be an awesome day for football watching.  Normally things don’t get this good till MUCH later in the season.  Today is awesomesauce!

  • South Carolina vs. UGA:  You know, I’m still pondering the 4 game NCAA suspension on AJ Green.  He accepted $1,000 for a jersey from some dude who "might" be considered an agent.  Comparatively speaking, this is pretty small.  He wasn’t at THAT party in Miami (he was with his Grandma on her birthday, bless!), but he did take money for University property.  That being said, my money is still on UGA during this game.  I cannot cheer for South Carolina.   "Fear the mullet!" should be their school battle cry.  Although UGA has a young QB, they have a few monster RB’s and a solid defense.  UGA eats Cocky for breakfast.  Uh, yeah.  That.
  • USF at UF:  The only reason I even raise this one is in honor of Gator Dad who is still recovering from pneumonia.  Gators will destroy USF.  Besides, everyone knows the kids who couldn’t get into UF or FSU go to USF.  I’m just sayin’…
  • Miami at Ohio State:  Ya know, as much as I hate Miami I am getting really tired of Ohio State continuously getting ranked in the top 10 every year and then every year losing once they play outside of their conference.  Ohio State has been OWNED by the SEC every time they’ve played us lately.  So while I am cheering for them to beat the HATED Miami Hurricanes, I may giggle a little every time Terrelle Pryor is sacked.   Besides, the ACC needs a little love these days. They’ve stunk for far too long. 
  • FSU at Oklahoma:  Like whoah.  Who scheduled this game?  I don’t know but I LIKE it!  As if you had to guess who I’ll be cheering for in this match up.  BOOMER SOONER!  I have hated FSU since I was a baby Gator (and grew up to know better as an Auburn girl) and I know I’d told y’all about my zany 3 year old antics taunting the FSU fan in the grocery store while singing, "FSU, FSU, where the girls are girls and the boys are tooooo!"  Adding insult to injury last year was their ouster of Bobby Bowden, who was one of the only classy things about that program.  No offense to a former SEC guy, Jimbo Fischer, but I really hope Oklahoma spanks FSU in this shoot out.  Probably not, but it promises to be one hell of a game!
  • Michigan at Notre Dame:  Well here’s a doozie of a match up.  A new coach from a storied program who is trying to assemble a cohesive team from the cluster F of a situation, Brian Kelly has his hands full.  Meanwhile, Charlie Weiss is chomping on a donut somewhere and fully relieved because not only does Touchdown Jesus save you, he also forgives.  The fans and alums?  Not so much.  Meanwhile, in Ann Arbor Rich Rodriguez is on the hot seat, again.  He’s still hated at West Virginia after leaving that program in shambles (did you see the Marshall game highlights?) and now Michigan is under serious scrutiny by the NCAA.  All he needs to do is come down to the SEC and join the most hated evil villains club (Saban, Petrino, Spurrier) and he’d have a trifecta.  I’ve got to go with Notre Dame on this one because damn, the Irish need some love. 
  • Penn State at Alabama:  Well here’s a conundrum.   Y’all know I HATE Alabama and I think that Joe Pa is an icon.  I love me some Joe Pa.  You have to feel sorry for the Penn State team because you know its hot and humid in Tuscaloosa today.  The ESPN College Game Day crew seem to mention it during every take.  Get over it, you wusses.  There are guys out there in SUITS and girls in pretty dresses who aren’t complaining.  This is how we ROLL in the South.  (Roll Tide reference completely unintended, but the irony is appreciated.)  I’m sure the Penn State fans are wandering around talking about how much better things are UP NORTH and how their tailgating is BETTER (because sadly, I’ve taken two Penn State grads with me to SEC games and neither of them would shut UP about it.  It went from obnoxious to disrespectful really quickly.  One guy would not stop yelling, "WE ARE!" expecting someone to yell back, "Penn State!"  News flash, never happened.  But one little girl did ask her daddy why the mean man kept cussing…) and that Joe Pa’s glasses are MAAAGIC.  However, in the South you pick Alabama to win a football game, and Penn State to win the spelling bee.  There are reasons why they abbreviate Alabama to just Bama, just ask the copy editors at the Alabama Athletic Department.  Yes folks, these are the same geniuses who came up with the crazy math formula that awarded them all those "national championships".  I can’t wait to see the signs, "Hey Alabama, WE can spell!"  "Hey Alabama, I challenge you to a scrabble game!"  "What I learned in 3rd Grade:  M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I"  But as much fun as I’m having mocking Bama, I hate to say this, but I will enjoy watching Alabama send Penn State scurrying back above the Mason Dixon line with their tails between their legs.  I will cheer for a good game but I will enjoy hearing the chants of "SEC!  SEC!  SEC!" far more in this case.  Bama wins. 

Before we depart, I leave you with the ESPN feature about Ole Miss’ debate over Admiral Ackbar as their mascot.  After watching this (and laughing so hard I had to rewind it at points) my thoughts are:  A)  WHERE did they find some of these people?  :::facepalm::: and B)  In past years, the ONE thing Ole Miss was well known for was having beautiful coeds (who called him a "Catfish lookin’ creature…"  I swoon, I die).  The one thing this video promises to do is to chase said coeds OFF of campus and turn Ole Miss into the Georgia Tech of Mississippi.  "NERDS!!  NERRRDS!!!"  And y’all wonder why the football gods are angry??

**Y’all know I fully embrace my inner geek and have MUCH love for my Georgia Tech friends but this isn’t some geek-tastic parallel universe we are talking about.  Its OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI. 

Infractions and dirty rush…if college football conferences were sororities…

11 Friday Jun 2010

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So boys and girls, what have we learned from this years activities of conference jumping, blatantly belated (LONG overdue) infraction giving, basic math challenging conference name changing antics?

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!

Damn, I love college football.

So it all started during birthday cocktails with the girls on Wednesday night, in belated honor of Chutney Chick.  We were all sitting on the deck at Cinco and of course, I bring up college football.  Queue the crickets.  Now there were some Auburn gals at the table so they took the bait and I dangled the hint in front of them…  "The NCAA announces their sanctions against USC tomorrow."  "USC?"  "Southern Cal.  University of Southern Cheaters."  :::crickets:::  "They will have to vacate their 2004 football season wins…"  :::crickets:::  "The year Auburn was denied the chance to play in the national championship and we were undefeated."  "OHMYGODY’ALL!  WE COULD BE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS?!?!  WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!"  See, I knew they would catch on…

All kidding aside (and yes, I was kidding – my girlfriends didn’t need nearly that many hints) as an Auburn fan, all this sanction nonsense just opens up old wounds I’d rather have let lie to prevent scarring.  You see, we pride ourselves on not claiming faux national championships (ahem…unlike our Crimson Cousins from across the state who would gladly accept a national title from the Ladies Home Journal if it came with a houndstooth ribbon tied around it).  No really, if we did we’d have 8 national championships (and thats just one fuzzy math calculation) if you use Alabama Math (i.e. claim every championship anyone has ever bestowed upon you.  I’m Queen of the World!  Sweet!).  BUT for the sake of the absurd, lets just say that USC has to vacate their 2004 season (cheaters!), which means they couldn’t be national champions that year.  They pistol whipped Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl that year.  Auburn went undefeated, lazily beating Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl (many acknowledged that the team was ho-hum about the whole deal since they wanted to be in Miami and not in New Orleans).  Should we have played in that game instead of Oklahoma?  I don’t think there are many that will argue that point after seeing the drubbing the Sooners took.  Would Auburn have won?  Now we’ll never know.  What we do know was fact?  You have an undefeated school from the SEC who was not awarded the National Championship (and wasn’t on probation that year, lets not even discuss the 1993 season – the best team you never saw – I’ll get fired up even more).  So if the AP decides to vote on a new champion that year, lets just say that Auburn fans may just start up a campaign and that Tommy Tuberville has already gone on the record advocating it (wouldn’t you?).  As an Auburn fan, I have to say that its damn ironic that we got the benefit of this situation considering, ahem…we went undefeated the year we weren’t allowed to play for the national championship a decade earlier because of NCAA sanctions.  I’m just sayin’…the irony is NOT lost on me.  

So what about the rest of this cluster-f@ck of a situation with the Big 10 (11?) now adding Nebraska?  And Colorado to the Pac-10?  (Lesson learned boys and girls?  Don’t put a number in your conference title unless you’re prepared to kick out the non performers.)  So now the Big 10 is potentially going to be the Big 12 (or 16) and the Pack 10 is going to be the Pac 16 (possibly).  And its like a game of chess trying to figure out who is going where next.  The major conferences are all acting like sororities during rush week, getting ready to go after the best rushees from the finest families and the best pedigrees.  Following that crazy analogy, Notre Dame would be like the really ugly girl who comes from an assload of money and she’s also a triple legacy at a ton of houses.  Everyone is going after her right now because she’s a "get" but you don’t expect her to win Homecoming Queen.  Lets face it, Notre Dame has been the dog of the debutante ball for a few years folks.  Call a spade a spade and move on.  Meanwhile, Texas comes from old (oil money honey) money AND she’s pretty AND she’s smart.  She’s also dating the captain of the football team and can throw the best parties (hostess with the mostest!).  So if you get Texas to join your sorority, all the other pretty girls (i.e. her plastic brigade) from her home town (Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Texas Tech) will also pledge.  The other girls from her home town who hate her (Texas A&M and Nebraska) have already pretty much decided on other houses.  A&M is a legacy at the SEC house (Gene Stallings, former Alabama head coach, is on their Board of Regents) and Nebraska pretty much pre-pledged (dirty rush!) with the Big 10 before rush even started.  Meanwhile, smart and new money Colorado knows that she can’t wear her Birkenstocks in the South and that her tie dyed t-shirts may not be welcome in the Big 10 – the PAC 10 is a natural fit and she likes all the girls – they can go save the whales and smell like patchouli with the crazy hippies on the west coast.  

And what about the SEC?  That sorority house is old row.  She doesn’t need to rush…the pledges come to her.  They are an exclusive location.  Only the best families and you must have references, honey.  Legacies have a leg up (hey Texas A&M!) but they also respect their other Southern neighbors.  Clemson, Georgia Tech (her Momma was a SEC member but her sister moved to the ACC years ago), Miami, Virginia Tech, ***Maryland, and Florida State may all be invited to Pref Day…but the SEC really doesn’t need to pledge all of them.  Frankly, having a monopoly on the state of Florida may be a bit boring and the University of Florida may blackball some of her neighbors…  However could you imagine that pledge class?  We might not be geographically expanding much, but HOLY CRAZY FAST BATMAN!!!  Although Clemson and Auburn in the same conference would REALLY confuse some folks…"Now which one of y’all has a lake?"  Lets just say that the SEC house will probably not react (strongly) unless Notre Dame decides to pledge Big 10.  If Notre Dame pledges at the Big 10, the SEC will have to react.  And she’ll go after the ACC house with a vengeance.  Pilfering sisters left and right.  Maybe one or two from the Big East house too.  And if, and this is a weak if, they can land Texas it would be a rush week for the memory books.  But Texas is used to being the richest, prettiest, star of the party and in the SEC she’d just be another member.  Maybe one of the prettier pretty girls…but definitely not the belle of the ball.  So the odds of her pledging at the SEC house are slim…

Following my crazy Southern Belle logic, people? 

Meanwhile, the old Big 12 house is pretty much on is last legs.  Girls are turning down the bids they are getting and its only a matter of time before their house is a distant memory…

***After cocktails, Mr. UGA rightly pointed out that I’ve left out one "Southern" cousin that could be in the mix here.  

Now reading:  The Virtu by Sarah Monette.  Good old fashioned fantasy novel.  Its been a while since I sunk my teeth into one of these and I’m loving it. 

Excited for:  The True Blood Season 3 premiere is this Sunday night!!!  WHOO werewolves!  This season is based on my favorite book in the series, CLUB DEAD.  

Oh snap!

07 Sunday Feb 2010

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So much to catch y’all up on but I saw this quoted today and just paused in the midst of my errands and pre-Super Bowl prep to post it because its just too damn good…

God bless Steve Spurrier…

Steve Spurrier quoted regarding Nick Saban: "I honestly don’t think Nick will ever leave Bama. They are the perfect match. A guy with no conscience and no ethics, worshiped by a fan base too stupid to value either."

I swoon.

I die.

I am so glad I don’t live in Alabama right now…

09 Saturday Jan 2010

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Ok, so I’ve had a few days to gather my thoughts around Alabama beating the snot out of Texas and winning the National Championship.  I read various hilarious points of view saying that all SEC fans should be rooting for Alabama.  Uh, ok?  Ask my UGA brother about cheering for Florida.  Yeah, that didn’t happen either.  Some rivalries are just too intense to overlook.  My UGA friends don’t cheer for Florida, Auburn fans don’t cheer for Bama.  Well, at least THIS fan didn’t cheer for Alabama.  I shall now display my tweets (they are in reverse order, most recent to oldest) from during the game.  My tweets are in blue.  My post game commentary is in orange.

My thoughts via Twitter:

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…and STILL no smile from Saban. Thus adding to the massive amount of evidence that he’s Satan, misspelled. #auburn, #wareagle, #beatbama    12:05 AM Jan 8th from web  This is why Tebow cried. 

Oh man. Game over. So sad to see this game played without McCoy. He would have made such a difference. At least its an SEC win? #hatebama 12:01 AM Jan 8th from web  Each SEC school will get about $1M out of a SEC team winning the national championship.  Oh yeah, and that makes it FOUR YEARS IN A ROW.  (If we were using Alabama math that would make it 6.)  

Aww hell. Dangit Texas. They even made a MOVIE about THE BLIND SIDE. Yeesh. 11:49 PM Jan 7th from web  Probably one of the few times during that game when McCoy was glad he wasn’t still playing.  That poor backup QB…

@timmyhendrix Yep. I called out a Bama fan today. She was talking smack on a conference call and I asked her when she graduated… FAIL. 11:45 PM Jan 7th from web in reply to timmyhendrix  Yes, I’m evil.  I let her crow about Alabama for about 5 minutes and then sweetly made a comment about her Alma Mater…which forced her to admit it WASN’T her Alma Mater. 

We’ve got ourselves a GAME, people!!! 11:36 PM Jan 7th from web  Texas brought it within 3 and then proceeded to fall apart.  Way to go, Muschamp… #defenseFAIL

Current count of FB friends saying, "Roll Tide!" = 30+ and counting. Total count of actual Alabama graduates = 2. 10:53 PM Jan 7th from web  This was retweeted so many times I lost count.  I also didn’t count all the Auburn TRAITORS fans who were cheering for Alabama.  This was truly just the people who cheer for Alabama who never went there.  Its pretty easy to get a count via facebook with all their friend groups.  I just clicked on the one I created for my high school in Alabama and blammo, instant statistics!  Thank you, Facebook!

slmandel  This is the slowest reaction to a streaker in sports history. … They let the guy dance around and do a cartwheel 10:37 PM Jan 7th from TweetDeck Retweeted by you and 5 others  Those of us watching in person missed the up close and personal details since they have a policy of not showing streakers on television.  But I had a mental image of Will Ferrell running across the field a la "Old School" – he IS a USC alum and lives in LA.  God, that would have been awesome.

If Alabama wins, yey SEC! If Alabama loses, schadenfreude enjoyment for all Auburn fans. Sounds like a win:win situation to me! 10:18 PM Jan 7th from web  I used big words so Bama fans still don’t get the joke…

@cleolinda LOL, you’re so pretty! 10:06 PM Jan 7th from web in reply to cleolinda  My favorite blogger is from B’ham and her family are all Bama fans but she is adorably clueless about football.  She remembered the game was on about half way through it.  Bless.

Texas, you may now steal our bumper sticker concept, "Honk if you sacked McElroy!" :::honk honk::: #auburn #texas #wareagle 9:07 PM Jan 7th from web  This is so much funnier if A) You win the game and B) You saw all the "Honk if you sacked Brodie" bumper stickers after the 2005 Iron Bowl.  

Best facebook status update EVER: "I wear an Auburn shirt because I went to Auburn. You wear a Bama shirt because you went to Wal-Mart" 9:02 PM Jan 7th from web  Another good one from a friend of mine, "Alabama fans love football.  Auburn fans love Auburn."  Yep, that about sums it up. 

Did you hear that? That was me HOOTING with laughter. Hot damn, this is fun. 8:44 PM Jan 7th from web  Damn you Muschamp, you keep up this cycle of raising my hopes and then smashing them to pieces…  That opening drive actually made one of my Bama fan friends turn off the game and start drinking, heavily.   She didn’t turn it back on until halftime.

JOSH GROBAN! Now THAT is more like it! Sing it, Josh! Wait, is that FLEA behind him?!?! 8:34 PM Jan 7th from web  This was seriously the oddest gimmick I’ve seen for the National Anthem, uhh ever?  The band was made up of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I think a MARIACHI BAND?!  Official WTF?!!? moment here…  Oh yeah, and it was awful.  

Time out. Audra McDonald sings America the Beautiful? No offense, but seriously?? 8:27 PM Jan 7th from web  If she had been an American Idol contestant Randy Jackson would have told her she was a bit pitchy at the end…  This was in Pasadena, CA.  Were no professional singers available???  

CRAP. Corso picked Texas. Lets hope the Auburn curse doesn’t also apply to the Longhorns. #auburn #wareagle 8:17 PM Jan 7th from web  Nope.  It does.  @#$%^&!!!

Around the bowl and down the hole, Roll Tide Roll… 8:13 PM Jan 7th from web  A Bama fan actually thought I was cheering for Alabama when I said this.  U R SMRT.  HKD AWN FAWNIKS WRKD 4 U?

WTF why is Mark May wearing sunglasses? He looks like an idiot on the College Gameday show. 8:03 PM Jan 7th from web  I still think he looked like an idiot.  Although LOOKING like an idiot and saying idiotic things are entirely different.  Lou Holtz may be one of the nicest people on the planet but his cray-cray logic for why Texas was going to win the game (Because Alabama has been playing so well they HAVE to make a mistake?!  WTF Lou?  You stayed at Notre Dame too long and then had that philosophy reinforced at South Carolina.) was just an ominous sign of things to come.  Mark May may have LOOKED like an idiot but the real idiot of the moment was sitting next to him.  

So there ya go.  My friends…now you have to deal with Alabama being National Champs.  And honestly, NOTHING is worse than an arrogant Alabama fan.  Here is a pictorial montage for you to enjoy:

Congrats on the National Championship! 

This video shows the only point in the game when I actually cheered for an Alabama player:

HIT HIM AGAIN!!  HIT HIM AGAIN!!!

Oh, and did y’all hear where they will proudly be displaying the National Championship Trophy?  I cannot make this shit up. I will quote the article from WVUA –

"The trophy will be on display Saturday, January 9 at the Walmart Supercenter on Skyland Boulevard in Tuscaloosa, from noon until 4:00 p.m. Sunday, January 10, it will be in the Gardendale location on 890 Odum Road from 10:00 a.m. until 2:00 p.m. Fans should be able to have their picture taken with the trophy."

Thank you, Bama.  THANK YOU.  Now who is headed over there to get the pictures for PeopleofWalmart.com???

I leave my Auburn friends with this note from this season’s Iron Bowl:  Something unexpected happened.  I’ve been told by many who were there that the feeling in the stadium was electric, even after the loss.  Auburn fans showed their spirit and pride and many Bama fans were stunned that we did not leave with our tails between our legs.  We walked out of that stadium proudly.  Know this, Bama.  When Florida rolled over and Tebow cried, Auburn fans stayed in the stadium and sang the Alma Mater.  When Texas fans left early and will vehemently say that they WOULD have won if McCoy hadn’t gotten hurt, Auburn fans will simply say, "Good game.  Congrats on your first Heisman.  See you next year." 

P.S.  First Urban Meyer’s debacle at UF and now Pete Carroll is leaving USC for the NFL?  Leach gets fired and looks like dude from USF who I never really cared enough about to learn his name is getting fired too?  Man, this next season is going to be INTERESTING.

Defrosting now

13 Sunday Dec 2009

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Hey y’all. I know, its been a long week without a blog. Believe me, I am very aware of all the football discussions going on right now. All the Bama bandwagon fans are piling on like clowns into a VW bug at the circus. Watching the SEC championship game last weekend was painful. Alabama handed Florida an @ss whoopin (sorry Gator Dad!) and then Tebow cried. Oh no… :::facepalm::: I think I tweeted at he first tear, "Aww hell, Tebow is crying. Let the jokes begin." There are already groups on Facebook dedicated to it. "Tebow Cries" is one of them (I have to admit, I did chuckle for a brief second when I saw that). Y’all stop hatin’ on Timmy Tebow. He’s good people and never says anything bad about anyone. Hell, he even said nice things about Alabama being "classy" after the SEC championship (now THAT got my attention far more than the tears!) and complimented Nick Saban. I swear, is the boy going to go into the ministry like Danny Wuerffel? He totally should. So stop hating on Tim Tebow y’all. We have football players shooting one another, getting killed, dropping out of school because they aren’t attending classes…and then the one positive role model that is being held above all others is being torn down? Haters to the LEFT.

This means you, Georgia fans. Even I can admit when someone is being a class act (like Ingram winning the Heisman, as much as it pains me to admit it…).

So catching y’all up, Denver was FRICKIN’ COLD. Like single digit temps during the day every day till the day I left and dropping below zero at night. The wind chill was -36 degrees! It got so cold the local weather stations thermometer malfunctioned and their website was reporting it was -623 degrees outside. Ladies and Gentlemen, Denver is now located on another planet!! We had a good time giggling over that in the office while trying to defrost our toes. The boots I normally wear in situations like this (which were fine in NYC and Frankfurt) got soaked through and I had to go out and buy a real pair of snow boots (which I’ll now have NO reason to wear anymore – anyone want to go skiing?) so my feet wouldn’t freeze going from the car into the office and walking around Denver. I got to see my Denver girls and we had an awesome dinner at the Bombay Clay Oven (really really good Indian food). We even sat in a little booth and took our shoes off for the authentic experience. It was a lot of fun! So my work travels are done for the year (thank GOD because I’d worked a 60 hour week by the end of the day on Thursday and this chica was TIRED) but then you realize that its December and January is just around the corner…damnit.

So in a preemptive strike – because I always look up and say, "I wish I’d known that was going on!" I went on Ticketmaster yesterday and planned ahead for some Christmas and Birthday presents (don’t worry, I’m not giving anything away – the lucky recipients know what they are getting). I used to be a season ticket holder for the Atlanta Broadway series but all my friends who used to go with me no longer live in town so I decided to purchase a few shows (Annie!, South Pacific, Young Frankenstein, and Mary Poppins). Walkin’ Girl and Gator Momma are going to 2 of them with me as their bday/Christmas presents. Wildcat Belle and I are going to David Gray together (as payback for her getting us Cavalia tickets) and I also got tickets to go see Muse (one of my favorite bands – I’ll find someone to drag along with me!). Now I just need to do some research on when the Opera is in town next year at the Cobb Energy Center because its on my goals. Have I mentioned I’ve declared 2011 my year of living? I state that cautiously because in reality it means I’m going to do things that I love and I’m planning ahead for them so that its a conscious effort (and my schedule and budget can handle it!). I’m also planning my first Mardi Gras trip down to Mobile to go to Jager’s ball if I can swing it. My other goals include a trip to NYC, a Kentucky Derby adventure, a DC trip to see lots of babies (its been a banner year for that geographic locale!) and a trip down to Florida if I can swing it. Ambitious? Yes. Feasible? Yes. I just have to be responsible and plan ahead. So Miss YankeeSouth, what dates work for y’all? NYC Bro, you’re on notice. I’m comin’ up!

Ok, I’m off to read for a bit and then do some cleaning. Its amazing how dirty a house can get when no one is in it for a week! I had a blast last night at Hannibal and Ciao Bella’s house for their Christmas party after the obligatory stop at a co workers party first. I ended the night at my neighborhood party (which was still going strong after midnight) so I’m a tad tired today!

Stay warm!

I smell bacon!!!

10 Saturday Oct 2009

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Seriously folks, sometimes I consider going on the Atkins Diet just for the sheer thrill of being able to eat a pound of bacon and be on a diet.  Breakfast meats rule, and bacon is the King of breakfast meat.  So is it any wonder that I’m craving some bacon this morning?  The really good fatty kind, not the turkey sausage I keep in the fridge…BACON.  Auburn is playing Arkansas today, its time to eat some Pig!!  :::laughing at the ESPN analysts trying to pronounce Baton Rouge with an authentic accent.  Bless!:::

So without further ado, on with my picks:

Auburn vs. Arkansas:
Y’all have already seen my historical opinion pieces on Petrino.  You know I think he’s a total ass hat.  Ironically, even ACC fans like Dark Diva, who normally are aware of SEC match ups but really don’t get too passionate about them.  She made sure to let me know this morning that Auburn should "Kick Petrino’s ass."  Yep folks, she’s a Falcon fan and this is personal.  I’ve said it in the past, I really have nothing against Arkansas fans.  They were always nice whenever we played them.  Too bad the entire campus clearly is suffering from Swine Flu (and we know the Gators already got over that – thanks ESPN for showing them throwing up on tv – that was great!  :::hurk:::) However now they are clearly under the influence of a minion of Hell, so we have to view them all like those people with the crazy black eyes in "True Blood."  Sometimes they might just be innocently humping a tree, but the next minute they are trying to sacrifice some innocent PIG in the woods.  (Ahh yes, I found a way to bring my geekery into football!  Giddyup.)  So in the words of Andy Bellefleur (LSU fan), "I KNOW THAT PIG!!"  Me too, Andy.  And its tasty bacon.  Mmmmm, bacon.  


Georgia vs. Tennessee:
Well this one is an easy pick.  The Bulldogs will roll into Neyland Stadium, pissed off about last week’s complete bullshizzle call (thanks for the apology, SEC refs.  How about a DO OVER?!) and Tennessee is still trying to find their rhythm.  Don’t let the score of last week’s Auburn vs. UT game fool you.  Tennessee scored in the last SECOND of the game when half the stands were clearing out.  The team was already heading to the locker room.  So it was a, "Hey look.  They scored.  Oh well…"  moment.  Lane Kiffi-kins is going to learn a lesson in manners from the Deacon of the SEC.  Lane, you may have a hot wife but Mark Richt has Jesus.  You know, that dude that Tim Tebow is BFF’s with?  That guy.  So keep talkin’ smack.  Mark Richt will just politely smile and then smack you upside your ass with his bible after he’s thumped you into submission again.  The season is at the half way point and Kiffin is finally starting to realize that its not a cake walk to coach in the SEC.  Meanwhile, Phil Fulmer is sitting at home laughing his ass off and eating more donuts.  (The only worry that NYC Bro has about UGA playing in a day game is the fact that Joe Cox is so white, he may spontaneously burst into flames.  True, brother mine.  I sat there last week wondering if he even had eyelashes.  Seriously, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a whiter white boy.  His hair is ORANGE, not red.  Which is damn ironic since that color is verboten in Athens.)

Alabama at Mississippi:
You know what would be entertaining before this game?  Take a camera crew into the crowd and asking Alabama fans to spell MISSISSIPPI.  Hilarity ensues.  I’m laughing just thinking about it.  The Bama fans won’t know what to do with themselves when they see the tailgates set up with the silver and crystal.  I will hand it to the Ole Miss crew, they know how to do it up HIGH COTTON.  So today’s game is a class war.  The upper crust Mississippi Blue Bloods against the Alabama Rednecks.  Normally, I’d go with a redneck in this situation because they are armed and dangerous but they are in Oxford and that means they are playing by the Mississippi rules.  Which means they have a judge (yes, seriously, I met him!) and all the refs in their pockets.  This will be like one of those movies when everyone is SO polite to the new person in town, yet they constantly get nothing done and everything goes wrong.  Yep, welcome to the Old South.  If you haven’t lived here for at least 5 generations, you’re new…  Hottie tottie, Ole Miss! 

Georgia Tech at Florida State:
Normally I wouldn’t even care about this game because I hate FSU and I’m seriously enjoying watching them go down in flames.  But this week I saw an article that blew my frickin’ mind.  Florida State fans are planning a black out…in support of ousting Bobby Bowden from his position at head coach.  Are you out of your damn minds?  Florida State was NOTHING before Bobby Bowden came down to Tallahassee.  He MADE your program.  Yes, you’re getting your asses handed to you but show some respect.  This is such a FSU thing to do.  I mean, we all know that the FSU fans aren’t the classiest folks but this may bump them up the scale a notch or two.  Most alums are appalled, and rightly so.  This sense of entitlement from the students is a blatant lack of respect and a seriously deluded attempt to influence an administration who is going to support their coach.  All the black out will accomplish is to show that your fans have no class, FSU.  This isn’t some new coach that was hired and has no record.  He’s an ICON.  Yes, even Gator Dad was appalled by this.  We actually have friends of the family that lived across the street from him who were Gator Alums.  Ultimately he’s a lovely man and he has handled this situation with grace and poise.  He’s won 311 games in 34 seasons at FSU.  Yes, he’s not coaching his team right now (we all know this) but you let him retire in dignity.  Look at Penn State.  You would NEVER see their fans pull this kind of shit on Joe Pa.  FSU, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  I seriously hope that Georgia Tech kicks FSU’s ass all over the place and then the FSU players go into the stands and kick the ass of the idiots who are organizing this event.  So stay "clASSy" FSU.  Emphasis on the A-S-S.

Florida vs. LSU:
The ESPN College Game Day crew just made a big deal out of the fact that the LSU fans have ordered 20,000 pounds of Gator meat for their tailgates.  What they fail to realize is that Gator meat is a staple in Louisiana.  This isn’t exactly an odd occurrence.  They are called the BAYOU Bengals for a reason, folks.  Bless your Yankee hearts, ESPN film crew.  Hey LSU fans, make sure to show them a nutria while they are down there too.  That will really freak them out.  "Welcome to Louisiana, we eat crazy shit here!"  So anyway, the Gators are playing in the OTHER Swamp.  The sign outside should say, "Welcome to Death Valley, its loud here.  Don’t forget your rain slicker.  Oh, that’s not rain falling on you…"  There’s always a debate between my fellow SEC fans about who has the most classless fans.  Inevitably it comes down to LSU and Florida (much to my Gator Family’s chagrin and they are noted exceptions to this – they are actually embarrassed by the behavior of fans of their Alma Mater.  We wish we could say it was just the people who didn’t go to school there but…well, that wouldn’t be true.).  I’ve had stuff thrown at me by Florida fans, but I’ve seen a LSU fan pee on someone so there ya go.  Everyone is obsessed about Tim Tebow’s concussion.  What they aren’t talking about is the group on Florida’s campus who are now actively filling out the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize application for him.  I mean, if Obama can win it after less than a year in office, Tim Tebow can definitely win it!  Jesus Saves!  The Power of Christ compels you, Nobel committee!  He works with orphans!  He does a MEAN "Braveheart" impression!  He circumcises babies!   I mean, if the Nobel committee can be impressed by speeches (which at the time of Obama’s nomination and subsequent win was all they had to go on!) then hell, Tim Tebow is a SHOE in.  His speeches are epic!  So I don’t think there is a doubt in my mind that Florida will win this game.  Even if Tim Tebow doesn’t play in this game, he’ll be on the sidelines bursting blood vessels in his forehead with his inspirational speeches which will spur the Gators on to a win.  Norwegians, take notice!  LSU fans are in for a major shock tonight in Death Valley.  Florida’s bench is deep.  LSU barely squeaked out a win (with some MIRACLE calls, I might add) in Athens.  Trust me when I say that the SEC refs aren’t going to be making that mistake twice.   Unless a player bounces a ball off of the opposing teams mascot’s head, they are going to let the celebration happen.  And Gators, while tasty treats in Tiger Town, are still dangerous creatures. And we aren’t talking about Gators from gator farms, we are talking about big nasty full grown Swamp Gators.  Who like the taste of corn dogs.  

"Like whoah!"

Enjoy your game day, y’all.  I know I will!

WAR DAMN EAGLE!

Special shout out to Dawg Dude and Mr. UGA for some inspiration in today’s blog…probably not the twist you were hoping for though.  LOL

P.S. – I totally made up the whole Tim Tebow for the Nobel Prize thing…but really, if Obama can win the prize at this point (and I’m an Obama supporter, y’all) then Tebow can win it too!  

Saturday in the South

26 Saturday Sep 2009

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I love game day!  Its my favorite day of the week.  I savor it.  Getting up early on Saturday morning to have my coffee and watch "ESPN College Game Day" (built by the Home Depot, y’all!) is always a must.  That is if I’m not already down on the Plains or in another college town FOR the game.  I haven’t made it down to Auburn yet, much to my dismay.  I’ve had tickets offered to me for almost every game.  I had to turn down four free tickets yesterday for tonight’s Ball State game because no one wanted to go down to Auburn for a night game against Ball State.  Myself included.  I know, I’m staring a Gift Horse in the mouth.  But really, that is a long ass day (you don’t get home until after 3 a.m.) and I did it a few times by myself and almost fell asleep behind the wheel the last time I was driving home.  Add that risk on top of my unreliable POS of a car and I won’t be making that trip solo, let alone in my car.  So I have to content myself with watching the games on the television today.

Onnnnn with the show!

First off – I cannot believe I haven’t seen Hannibal or Ciao Bella yet this season.  Whats up, yo?  No football watching love for me?  When are we all going to get together to watch a game, eh?  Mr. UGA, this also applies to you!  Hello??  Where’s the love?

So first, the schadenfreude…  Ole Miss got beat by South Carolina.  The really shocking thing is that no one is really shocked about it.  Most SEC fans just sort of giggled and enjoyed watching Ole Miss, who EVERYONE knew was far overrated at #4 (seriously pollsters, #4?) get beat by South Carolina.  South Carolina?  The only thing they are good for is the comments by Steve Spurrier.  The overwhelming reaction from everyone I talked to was, "Ha!  How about Ole Miss getting beat by South Carolina?  Wasn’t that fun to watch??"  Yes, yes it was.  The Ole Ball coach got a pseudo "signature win" but not really.  That win was the equivalent of fools gold.  You think its real…but then you find out its just pyrite.  Ole Miss was pyrite.  This isn’t even really worth talking much more about.  

Auburn vs. Ball State
Four years ago, my happy butt would have been down on the Plains for this game.  It would have been interesting.  Heck, even last year I’d have probably taken those free tickets and headed down because Ball State was relevant.  This year?  Eh.  Not so much.  So for those of y’all who are going to be down there for this shellacking, more power to ya.  Auburn wins by a shit ton.  Yes, this is an official metric.  Where is Ball State, anyway?  Does anyone really care?  Its in Muncie, Indiana.  Bless.  I just still love to say it.  BALL State.  :::LOL  Yes, its preschool humor.  My guy friends still think poop and fart jokes are hilarious.:::  Oh goody, its a 90% chance of rain tonight in Auburn!  I’m so glad I’m not going down there.  Its going to be miserable.  Welcome to the South, we have torrential downpours for WEEKS!  Atlanta is still draining out and there is more rain coming.  :::woe:::

LSU vs. Mississippi State
Well, everyone refers to Mississippi State as the bottom feeders of the SEC.  Don’t take it too personally Bulldogs.  Catfish are also bottom feeders and catfish are delicious!  So really, the Cajuns are going to eat them alive.  This game is actually on right now so I’m watching the beat down game currently in progress.  You know what we need?  We need MORE COW BELL Mississippi State.  If you had MORE COWBELL I think you’d stand a chance in this game.  Because the half drunk LSU fans would not be able to stand the noise and might flee the stadium.  I think the thing that will keep Mississippi State in this game is their defense.  Because LSU isn’t lookin’ so hot this year.  I think they are also overrated at #7.  I have much love for other SEC schools but LSU hasn’t shown me that Cajun Fried South Louisiana goodness we’ve come to expect from our Bayou Bengals.  I predict LSU wins this game, but its going to be a slobber-knocker.

UGA vs. Arizona State
You know, I have the same feeling about this game as I do about the Auburn vs. BALL State game.  Arizona State was relevant, a few years ago.  Now?  Ehhhhh…you just feel bad for their fans because according to weather predictions its going to be wet and rainy in Athens tonight.  My next door neighbor (not Neighbor Girl, the other side) is an adorable Georgia fan and called me this morning to come over and help taste her pimiento cheese.  She was leaving for Athens soon and hadn’t ever made it before.  I have NO idea how someone can claim to be a Southern Belle and have never made pimiento cheese but there ya go.  She also didn’t have any hot sauce, which I of course had…in many varieties with back up in the pantry.  Hello, its damn hard to make hot wing dip without Louisiana Hot Sauce.  So she and her hubbie are off to Athens for the game.  I’m sure all the UGA boys are on their way up to Athens right now and I hope y’all packed your ponchos.  I have one girlfriend who is celebrating her birthday tonight at a sports bar just so she can watch this game.  Bless.  So its an easy pick.  UGA wins, although I don’t think its going to be by a huge amount.  I think they are already looking ahead to the LSU game next weekend.  But since its going to be raining and the Arizona State SUN DEVILS don’t do well in a wet environment…I predict the Dawgs win.  

UNC vs. Georgia Tech
Welcome to Atlanta, Tar Heels.  Its not basketball season so most of their fans get confused and head towards the Philips Arena, remembering that that is where the Final Four games are played.  Uh, no.  Bobby Dodd Stadium is thattaway.  Nerds beat the smart rich kids.  Not by much.

Arkansas vs. Alabama
Well NYC Bro…the way you feel about Auburn…I kind of feel about Arkansas.  So there ya go.  I won’t use the same language you used to describe my Alma Mater, ahem, but I will equate your feelings about Auburn to my feelings about Arkansas.  Mississippi State isn’t worth notice…but Arkansas?  Yes, that one I care enough about to hate.   Of course they didn’t even show up as a blip on my hate meter until Petrino took the job there.   (Not their fans though.  Their fans have always been nice.)  Saban vs. Petrino.  This game makes the devil sit up and take notice.  He’s watching two of his minions battle it out against one another.  Who wins?  This one could be a battle.  I am, of course, cheering for injuries.  Especially ones for key players who won’t be able to suit up when they play Auburn.  What?  You think I’m wanting to play FAIR this season?  Hayl naw. I’ll take what I can get.  So souuuuiiiieee, PIG.  Beat Bama!  I think the people watching down in Tuscaloser will be epic.  Lots of overalls and wife beaters.  Someone, please take a camera phone.  It will be like a People of Walmart fashion show!  Side Note:  Due to pure morbid curiosity this morning, I did a quick impromptu poll of all the people I’m friends with on Facebook this morning who are saying, "Roll Tide" or something else about Alabama football in their statuses.  How many actually attended school there (note I do not say graduate)?  Four.  Gotta love the bandwagon fans. 

Florida vs. Kentucky
I have always loved that Dawg Dude called Kentucky the KY Jellycats.  Cracked me up every time.  Apparently the Gators are suffering from a mass outbreak of flu like illness.  Swine flu?  Regular flu?  Respiratory illness?  Either way, not good.  Tebow is apparently so ill he’s traveling separately from the team so he won’t get anyone else sick.  What I want to know is why he’s traveling at all if he’s that ill.  Wow.  Anyway, I think Tebow being ill will impact the Gators…but not enough to lose to Kentucky.  Because lets face it, we’d all rather watch Kentucky play UF in a basketball game  than on the gridiron.  Kentucky fires off the canons when they score and I predict they won’t be using much ammo during this game.  Because even with their team being sick, Florida has a deep depth chart.  

Tennessee vs. Ohio (no, not that one, the other one)
This is going to be a pistol whipping.  This is Ohio, not Ohio STATE.  Bier Girl and Thriller Man are Ohio State fans.  So is Buckeye Belle :::dubbed::: who also ACTUALLY went to school there.  Hi honey!  I love alumni fans!  But this isn’t Ohio State.  This is Ohio.  Who will be annihilated by UT.  The only thing that Ohio U has going for them is that the college town they are from is also called Athens.  UT?  They are still licking their wounds from last week and Lane Kiffin needs a win.  I hope they show some good offense during this game so we have more game tape to study before Auburn plays them next week in Knoxville.  Because really, this is going to be like a dress rehearsal for UT.  UT wins, BIG.

Florida State vs. South Florida
Normally I wouldn’t even post anything about this game because I hate Florida State, but they are currently LOSING to South Florida so I have to enjoy the moment.  HAHAHAHAH.

Ok, time to go off and get some football watching in.  Its going to be a miserable rainy day so I can at least get some cleaning done while I’m enjoying the games before heading out tonight. 

War Damn Eagle!

Raining cats, dogs, and Tigers!!

21 Monday Sep 2009

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Well here we are on Monday and yes, for those of you who are watching the news and are aware that the south east is getting a record amount of rainfall.  The last time we had flooding like this in Atlanta was after Hurricane Ivan.  Y’all see a hurricane on the radar?  Nope.  Its just been raining…for DAYS.  And it ain’t stoppin’.  I just saw news footage of people in a row boat using a WEED WHACKER as a motor.  Damn, we rednecks are crafty folk.  A dude rescued his cat by floating it out of his house on a bean bag.  Too bad his lava lamp didn’t survive.  But you can bet your ass if there was a football game to be played in weather like this, it would be played. 

Oh wait, it was!! 

Did y’all SEE the footage from the Auburn vs. West Virginia game on Saturday?  Take a look at THIS video and come back.  The singing in the distance?  That is the Auburn student section.  When they EVACUATED the stadium (yes, evacuated – in all my years as an Auburn fan I don’t think thats ever happened) the majority of the students stayed and partied their asses off in the rain.  They sang along to the music and kept their energy level up the entire game.  It was originally a 7:45 p.m. EST kick off.  The bottom fell out beforehand and the stadium was evacuated because there was a severe weather advisory.  They had to wait until 30 minutes after the last confirmed lightning strike before they could kick off.  So at 8:49 p.m. EST the game finally got started.  And I sat on the edge of my seat, thanking God I wasn’t down there in the rain, praying to GOD our defense finally realized that Noel Devine is one fast SOB.  That dude is a blur.  Jager joked last year that he saw him run by his window in Baton Rouge and I wouldn’t doubt it.  Shiza!  So I endured the good (yardage), the bad (interceptions!), and the ugly (our tackling is ATROCIOUS) to see our Tigers prevail in the end.  Huzzah.  We’re 3-0.  Normally that would mean we are ranked but Auburn is going to be the Rodney Dangerfield of the SEC this year.  They get no respect.  Frankly I’m not quite ready to declare victory yet either.  WVU is unranked and although Noel Devine is a candidate to play The Flash in the movie adaptation of the comic book, I am still cautiously optimistic.  Yes Superman, STILL.  I’m glad we won.  Now lets go beat a RANKED opponent, mmmkay?  And speaking of watching from home, what is UP with all the Scientology commercials on ESPN2 during the game?  Uhh, hello Scientologists.  God has this Bible and it’s got a BELT and the BUCKLE is in Alabama.  I think you missed your target audience by a few time zones.  Aim your radar at UC Berkley, ok?  The largest campus organization at Auburn (last I checked) was still Campus Crusade for Christ.  So unless you can prove that Jesus was a Scientologist or L. Ron Hubbard was a Disciple, I think your mission is futile.  

As for the other games…USC lost, heheheheh!  I loved Sarkisian’s comments at the end of the game.  He answered every question with the same answer just worded differently.  "Our kids played HARD!"  "We won because we played HARD!"  Hey coach, INTERVIEWING is HARD, aint it?  There’s this little thing called Media Training, you may want to look into it…along with Lane Kiffin.  So UT bothered to show up for the game but if Monte hadn’t been covering for his son’s ass with a strong defense (and Tebow needs to get straight with the Lord because he was OFF during that game) UT would have gone down in flames.  I’m just glad UF won because if not, Shug and I might have had to sneak back home because Gator Dad has this amazing Incredible Hulk impression when the Gators don’t do well and my puppy is only 6.5 months old.  At the very beginning of the game, Gator Mom screamed like someone was attacking her when the UF player got attacked via facemask.  She was shrieking and startled Dad and I.  Shug had NO idea what do do.  He would jumpup and run to the people when they were clapping and yelling, thinking they were saying "YEY PUPPY!  It must be because I’m good!" and when we were screaming at the television he was cowering trying to figure out what he did wrong.  So cute.  I’m glad no one in our household yelled, "Go Dawgs!" during the UGA game (it was more like, "KILL THE HAWGS!") because that would be really confusing to him and frankly thats pushing it.  We’re supportive to a point.  After that…don’t expect me to sing your fight song or anything.  NYC Bro doesn’t even return the favor and cheer for Auburn or UF so frankly, this is a one sided support system anyway.  But I digress…so UGA looked ok against Arkansas but wow, that game had me worried for a bit.  Where was the defense?  On either side?  Seriously.  That was slightly alarming.  We have more games to play and the even more alarming was the fact that Arkansas is showing some progress.  #$%^!!   Finally, do I even need to mention how badly Alabama beat the ever living bejesus out of North Texas?  Damn Nicky Saban…that was harsh.

Getting serious now…

I will admit one thing impressed me a LOT so far with this regime change.  Gene Chizik has apparently been making the team recite the Auburn Creed.  He’s been emphasizing it as their foundation as a team and as their tie to the university.  For those of you who know me, you know how much the Creed means to me and to many of my fellow Auburn alums.  Its the basis for our philosophy and a way to live.  I learned it the first time I stepped foot on campus and lived it for the rest of my time there.  I have it framed and hanging in my office.  The one thing that always annoyed me when one of our football players was interviewed in the past was that they didn’t seem to know about Auburn.  This university that loved and supported them…and they had no foundation.  They didn’t know our traditions.  They didn’t know what it was to be an Auburn Man or an Auburn Woman.  And what I heard the players saying again, and again…and again…was that they all had the same vision.   They were all on the same page.  When Kodi Burns wasn’t named as the starting quarterback, he didn’t cause division on the team.  Instead, he stood up and made this statement, "The coaches chose to go in another direction. I worked really hard. I tried to prove myself. Obviously, things didn’t work out. But I believe God has a plan for me. They went with Chris. That’s a good thing. It’s a good thing for the team. I’m 100 percent behind him. Chris Todd is the quarterback and I have no problem with that. It was a great year and a great competition. I really appreciate the coaching staff…"  This article summed it up well, Kodi Burns is the definition of an Auburn Man.  He’s a true example of the Auburn spirit and someone who is living the creed.  Thank you Kodi and thank you Coach Chizik for starting to lead our team back to their core values.  Just keep it up!

So on that note…and while there’s a lull in the rain so I can go start working on the foundation for my ARK, here is the Auburn Creed.

THE AUBURN CREED

I believe that this is a practical world and that I can count only on what I earn. Therefore, I believe in work, hard work.

I believe in education, which gives me the knowledge to work wisely and trains my mind and my hands to work skillfully.

I believe in honesty and truthfulness, without which I cannot win the respect and confidence of my fellow men.

I believe in a sound mind, in a sound body and a spirit that is not afraid, and in clean sports that develop these qualities.

I believe in obedience to law because it protects the rights of all.

I believe in the human touch, which cultivates sympathy with my fellow men and mutual helpfulness and brings happiness for all.

I believe in my Country, because it is a land of freedom and because it is my own home, and that I can best serve that country by "doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with my God."

And because Auburn men and women believe in these things, I believe in Auburn and love it.
-George Petrie (1945)

….now some folks in the Auburn Athletic department would have done well last year if they had remembered some of the key points above.  Ahem…

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