St. Patrick’s Day Karma

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You know what they say about assuming…it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Yep. So yesterday’s rant about crappy weather on St. Patrick’s Day and why would all you crazy people want to be out in this, blah blah blah.

Note to Self: Check the weather forecast before posting rant about holiday weather.

Its gorgeous outside, y’all. The birds are singing. The sun is shining. Its 65 degrees and sunny. Its a perfect Spring day. Did you hear that? That was a Lamb going, "Bahhhh" in the distance.

Y’all wanna know something else about Karma? She’s a bitch with a wicked sense of humor. I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to sink into the mattress. My neck wasn’t sore anymore, thank God, but I was running a fever and had body aches again. *)(&^%$!!@ So I called into work, crawled back into bed, and slept till lunch. I woke up to this perfect day. Its the kind of day that makes you want to go sit on a patio. And here I am in my pajamas…miserable. So someone go have a pint or 3 of Smithwicks for me, ok? No green beer, you wankers. None of that Faux-Patrick’s Day nonsense. Green beer drinkers will be summarily shot, I say! Shot on sight!

I have always loved St. Patrick’s Day. My birthday is in the middle of the summer so I never got to have the school party like all the other kids. I lied about it being my birthday once, just so I could get the little crown and have everyone sing happy birthday to me. My best friend was in class with me and ratted me out. So I got put in the corner and my Mom got the phone call that SassySouth was a naughty little girl who lied. When she asked me I tearily explained that I just wanted a party like all the other kids. So from then on, St. Patrick’s Day was my unofficial birthday party. Gator Momma would bring cupcakes to school and I’d wear a little green foil tiara. My first grade teacher, Miss Whitehead, who to this day is still one of my most influential teachers ever, wore all green, including camoflauge pants and 3 inch green stiletto heels and a green feather boa (Gator Mom had pictures). She had on a green top hat, a garter belt that said, "Kiss Me, I’m Irish". Damn that woman was fabulous. So yeah…St. Patrick’s Day has a special place in my heart which is why all these drunk fests sort of get on my nerves. When it comes down to it, I’m just not a huge fan of crowds. Give me a pint and a pub any day.

So in honor of this day, here is my 2nd favorite adult memory of St. Patrick’s Day:
A few years ago a group of us got together at the Dunwoody Tavern for St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, its ironic we were celebrating an Irish holiday at an English Pub but Irish Car Bombs were being imbibed so it was all sort of ironic in a twisted sort of way. Also lots of Black and Tans were being drunk, much to the dismay of the Brits. Anyhoodle…this day is also significant because it is the first time the Sultan of Snark set his eyes on his future bride, Singin’ Girl. It was a significant day for them. She fell for him a few weeks later at another event, but thats a different story altogether. Anyway…We’re all having a grand time at our old hang out, the Dunwoody Tavern (at one point Miss YankeeSouth, Singin’ Girl, Auburn Sis, Girlyfriend, and I all lived in Dunwoody – it was awesome). I was at the bar and this Buckhead Bimbette walked in. You can tell the Club Girls from the Pub Girls. Its so obvious she was out of her element. She walked up to the bar and proudly, loudly, ordered a green beer. The bartender just LOOKED at her and said, "We don’t serve that here." The blonde rocked back on her stripper shoes (clear heels, y’all! At the Tav??) and said, "Well, then can I have a Sex on the Beach?" "We don’t serve those either." Clearly stumped, she then rattled off a list of umbrella drinks, half of which required a blender. If the Tav had a blender, it was probably used for a purpose that didn’t involve daquiris… Anyway, the exchange was reaching a level of ridiculous and people were backed up trying to order. I finally leaned over and suggested she order a rum and coke. She cheerfully ordered something she finally recognized (diet, of course) and then asked, loudly, "What kind of place IS this?!?!" The bartender and I answered flatly, in unison, "A pub." She just got a puzzled look on her faze and tottered back over to her group (the guys were all wearing those metrosexual black tight t-shirts to show off that they worked out 3 hours a day) who were looking very confused by the lack of beads being thrown and people just hanging out. They were then scared by the group playing pool telling them to move so they could make a shot. It was like watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, "One of these things does not go together…one of these things does not belonnnng!!" The bartender then turned to me and handed me a shot of Jameson, "On the house." Oh the LOLz…

So Jager introduced me to this a couple of years ago while I was visiting in Mobile. Its an oldie but a goodie and always great for a laugh on St. Pats. I don’t know what is funnier…the people in the video or the fact that this was actually NEWS???

"Where the Leprechaun at??"

And its the REMIX, bitches!!!

Countdown to the Iron Bowl!

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:::claps hands in glee:::

Its the Iron Bowl, y’allz. The IRON BOWL. The game Auburn has won for the past 6 years. The game we are being picked by everyone to lose so badly to Alabama that some folks are wondering if we should just forfeit this year.

Forfeit!?!

You shut your traitor @ss and go sit down. Don’t make me take off my jewelry and bitch slap you. Cuz I will. I was raised a Gator Fan, this girl knows in theory how to rumble. :::thumps her chest:::

Why is this game so intense? Well, have you been to Alabama? There are no other major sports. No professional teams. NOTHING is bigger than college football in that state and they LIKE it that way. Its irrelevant that many fans never actually attended college, let alone graduated. This game was literally cancelled for decades because the rivalry got FUGLY. They say it was over a dispute over per diem or other nonsense. "Poppycock" yell the old fans. We were burning buildings on each others campuses before LSU ever came to Auburn in the 90′s. The schools were legally not allowed to play one another. It took an act of the State Legislature to get the game reinstated.

So in honor of this rivalry, here is the BBC’s interpretation of the Iron Bowl from last year :::Dude, we made it on the BBC?!?!?::: (I love how they focus on pretty much EVERYTHING but the actual game itself!):

Pop Culture Obsession:  Going to see "Twilight" again with Dark Diva tonight.  :::yeys:::  So, how much did y’all LOVE the finale last night on "True Blood"?  Rene is one twisted SOB.  They are definitely deviating from the plot for season 2.  I’ve already had 2 people tell me they are buying all the books after last night because they HAVE TO KNOW what happens next.  YEY for Charlaine!!!  

  • Favorite moment of the evening was when Sookie is in the field, weeping over Bill, just emoting, while he snap, crackles, and pops in the sunlight.  Finally Sam runs up and uses the brains God gave him and tells her they have to get Bill out of the sun.  I swear, sometimes the TV version of Sookie is too stupid to live.  Seriously?  Just sit there and wail while he’s frying in front of you.  Book Sookie would have never been that dumb.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the show, but in some cases they are losing the essence of her as a character.  And that is saying a lot since they have the MOST material to work with since all the books are written from her point of view. 
  • Lafayette!?!  NOOO.  I don’t want to know its him.  I know its him but I’m in denial.  Alan Ball, please deviate on this one MAJOR plot point.  Pretty please?  Let the dead body be Lettie Mae!! 
  • Terry Bellefleur kills me in every scene.  "Your hair is like the sky after a bomb went off."  Arlene is strangely flattered.
  • Arlene’s kids seeing the vampire porn!  OMFG!!!
  • Andy Bellefleur has some serious karma headed his way and her name is MaryAnn the Maened! 
  • MAENED.  There, I said it. 
  • Jessica’s naughty goth school girl outfit was hilariously over the top teenage rebellion – which technically she is, all of it.  So you have the perfect storm.  A home schooled preachers daughter type teen who has been repressed her entire life and all of a sudden she’s free.  Oh, and a vampire.  Oh holy hellion.  Eric and Pam couldn’t handle her?  I loved Pam, "She’s VERY annoying."  Eric:  "There are favors and then there are FAVORS." 
  • Sam is getting out his big bag o’ money…any guesses what its for, y’all?

I’m having my first meet up with the Charlaine book club tomorrow night too!  :)  I can’t wait to figure out what books we’re going to read.  I think we may have to put a cap on the number of her books…just for variety’s sake, of course! 

Make the stupid people shuddup!!!

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There are so many options.  So so many.  But honestly, the thing that struck me speechless :::pauses for all of y’all to say, "YOU BIG FAT LIAR!  YOU ARE NEVER SPEECHLESS!!"::: this morning was another priceless gem from my morning blab fest on "The Bert Show" on Q100.  I listen to "The Bert Show" while I’m getting up because its mindless babble.  Half the time I am not even paying attention to what is being said.  When I get in the car I turn on NPR because then I want to actually KNOW what is going on in the world before I get into the office.  But at home while putting on the M.A.C. or Stila in the a.m. and choosing which shoes match what purse…I’m all about some mindless fluff.  Yes folks, this is the same group that gave us the UFO’s in Alabama…  So what item came up this morning that made me actually look myself in the eye this morning while brushing my teeth and say, "OH NO SHE DIDN’T"…  Bert asked listeners to call in if they had said they were going to move out of the country if Obama won to call in.  And two "special people" did.  I didn’t catch their full ages but I know the girl was 17 and I THINK the guy was 19?  Anyway, they declared they were "moving to Canada" because Obama won.  :::Apparently they missed the part in social studies class where Canada is more socialized than we are?  More progressive?  Cheered WILDLY that Obama won?  But I digress.:::  So Bert and company pressed them for answers.  :::snickering – even the McCain folks in the group were amused:::  Why do you want to move to Canada?  And then they said it and I just paused and wondered why people like this can be THE most fertile of all :::has anyone seen "Idiocracy"? – It was a shit movie but the part about stupid people procreating is very apropos here.::: "Obama is the Antichrist."  I’m sorry, what?  The morning show people just started laughing and then they realized that the two morons on the phone were serious.  So they egged them on :::of course…I’ll bet their Dads also thought Architecture wasn’t a real profession, B’ham Man!::: and asked why.  Apparently they work at THE STEAK AND SHAKE and one of their customers came in and was talking about how Obama was the Antichrist and these were the reasons why:  He’s a man in his 40′s of Muslim descent who has massive "Christ Like" appeal.  And of course, this is all from the book of Revelations.  So while I’m laughing, Jeff (one of the smart ones on the show, along with Melissa – who I don’t think was on this a.m. or she would have been snorting with laughter) was looking this up online.  And told them these facts:  The Book of Revelations (which, the girl stated, "Was where everything happens!") never mentions a man of muslim descent, or the term "Antichrist."  Even better?  The religion of Islam, which Muslims are worshipers of…yeah, that wasn’t founded till 400 years AFTER the bible was written.    After hearing this, Tweedle Ditz and Ditzier declared they still wanted to move to Canada.  Bert offered to come help them pack.  He offered to do this for free, as long as they provided unlimited burgers, fries, and shakes.  They happily agreed.  :::facepalm:::

Then the Canadians started calling in and telling them they weren’t welcome.  I CACKLED with laughter.  I hooted with glee.

Bert suggested they move to Cuba.  The girl SNEERED at Cuba because, "They have hurricanes down there!"  :::Let alone COMMUNISTS?  Lookout!:::  When they pointed this out to her she didn’t understand what they meant.  So they suggested she figure out what country she’d actually WANT to move to because IF Barack Obama is the Antichrist the world is over anyway so what is the point of leaving?  Oh yeah, because you work at STEAK AND SHAKE.  I forgot.  Lets tell them to move to Alabama and then the aliens can come and take them away!! 

On the Pop Culture watch…I saw "Hellboy 2:  The Golden Army" last night.  Meh.  It was ok.  I watched "Van Wilder:  The Rise of Taj" today and I feel bad for Indians because it made them look ridiculous.  Kal Penn must have been desperate to make that one…  Ugh.  I lost IQ points and I just had it on for background noise while I made dinner. 

Oh yeah, and I had to duck earlier…because NYC Bro is still throwing crap at me after I pointed out on Facebook that Danny Wuerffel is now living in Atlanta and he can FINALLY get that poster of him he had up on his wall FOREVER autographed.  LOL  Hell, at least I admit I had a crush on Shane Matthews.  He was soooo cuuuute.  :::swoon:::  

Lesson #485: Do not provoke a Bama fan

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The end is near!!  Alabama is ranked #1.  Quick folks, time to stock up the bomb shelters.  Auburn fans haven’t been on this high alert since we went undefeated in 2004 and we knew some Bama fan was going to go postal.  What?  You didn’t know Bama fans are crazy?  Have you not seen the news today?  Surprise!  Its about a Bama fan shooting and killing two people over the LSU game.   :::The police believe alcohol MIGHT have been involved.  Really?  Who’d have thunk???:::  Auburn fans have known this fact for years:  The more rural the area, the less likely the person was to have actually ATTENDED (let alone graduated from) U of A.  Your odds increased exponentially for being threatened or killed…  Ironically, this isn’t even the first time that something like this has come up.  A few years ago a Bama fan in Pinson, AL was arrested on attempted murder charges after a Bama loss.  He apparently threw a royal fit and in the midst of his temper tantrum, his son smarted off that he wanted a new car.  Dad decided that his son needed to be "taught a lesson".  :::This is a reenactment, Bama fans.  Like when y’all dress up like Civil War "Patriots" and go get shot by fake Yankees:::  "I’ll kill you!  That will teach you to smart off to me after Alabama loses to Arkansas!  Hold still while I strangle you!   You have no respect for the Crimson Tide!  You must DIIIIEEEE!!!"  Violence ensues.  Nice.  The funny part is, these are just the examples we know of that MAKE the news.  95% of the time it gets ignored. :::Another reenactment, Bammers.  Its fake.  Like "pretend".:::  "Those boys that beat up little Timmy for wearing his University of Tennessee sweat shirt to school?  They were just playing around.  Its just kid stuff."  :::Meanwhile Timmy is in intensive care and his parents are getting bomb threats at their house.:::

People, Alabama fans tattoo the Bear on their bodies. 

There are some that are seriously MENTAL.  They INVENT national championships because they had an undefeated season.  No, really?  RILLY.  So these recent Tiger National Championships must have gotten into some LSU fans heads and they forget that for years they wouldn’t make eye contact with certain Bama fans because something just wasn’t right with that person…  They tend to overlook the sea of insane, rabid Bama fans and only see the ones they show on television with their houndstooth hats and cute red and white outfits.  For every one of them you see on television there are 3-4 in the state that can’t find Tuscaloosa on a map.  Jager tells a great story about being in Tuscaloosa for an Auburn game and a Bama fan in overalls, decked out in Tide gear, walked up to he and Mrs. Jager (who are CLEARLY Auburn fans) while holding his tickets, looking bewildered, and asked them where the stadium was.  Jager pointed over their heads to the GIGANTIC football stadium in plain site and the guy says, "I’ve never been to Tuscaloosa before!  Been a Bama fan my whole life!  Roll Tide!!!"  Pretty typical.  Jager and friends just watched him wander off and realized he probably couldn’t read.  :::shakes head:::  At least he was a nice one!  During last years Auburn vs. Alabama game the entire row in front of us was scalped to Bama fans.  Not a single one of them had actually gone to school there.  When we acted surprised, they asked how many of us had graduated from Auburn and every adult Auburn fan within talking distance had a degree from Auburn University.  At one point I had to hit Jager on the arm a few times and remind him to STOP TAUNTING the BAMA fans in front of us.  They probably have more guns in their trucks than our tailgate have at home, combined!  I have a great picture on my cell phone of Jager literally sitting there with his Auburn Tiger Santa Hat shoved in his mouth to keep him from getting us all shot.  LOL

Moral of the story?  I wasn’t kidding, UGA fans.  Florida fans may be arrogant SOBs but at least they aren’t homicidal crazies who are armed to the teeth and will shoot you for saying something nasty about their team.  Why do y’all think this blog is anonymous??? 

Help us Tim Tebow!  You’re our only hope!!!

Hump day musings

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So I had all sorts of things on my mind to discuss and well, I lie…I have nothing.  I’m a big ball of brain deadness.  I just spent almost 4 hours up to my eyeballs in crafty-crap and I’m not good with crafty stuff.  I almost had a panic attack in Michaels today. Who needs 4 aisles of scrap booking materials!?  What the bloody hell was that?  I wandered down an entire aisle of STAMPS.  Who uses stamps anymore?  But I got the supplies to make stuff for Girlyfriend’s 30th bday this weekend.  :::waves at Girlyfriend:::  I now know what Gorilla glue is NOT supposed to be used for.  Me + glue + glitter = Roger my pet Roomba working overtime this evening. 

Gorilla Glue is also hella scary.  Did y’all know it foams?  I did not know this.  Duly noted, NOW.  Thus the glitter.  It will all blend, errr, I’m sure…

So I printed, cut, trimmed, pasted, glued, glittered, blinged, and I’m only half done.  :::sigh:::  I need an elf.  Or Martha Stewart to come visit.  Wait?  What am I saying?  Nevermind! I’d FREAK out if that woman said she was coming to my house.  The only one worse would be Oprah, or maybe the Queen of England.  Can you imagine the state I’d be in?  My anal retentive inner control freak would go into OVER drive.  My neighbors would have to come over and tranq me to get me to stop vacuuming and hammering at 4 a.m.  Ok, so keep those womens away from my house, mmmkay?  

So I got all crafty while catching up on episodes of "Heroes" and watching the Presidential debates.  I think the Presidential debates might have been more interesting.  "Heroes" is just starting to get good again, but if they seriously keep Mohinder on the path to becoming a lizard monster I am going to have MAJOR issues with this show.  He was the hottest guy on there, hands down.  Do not take away my weekly Mohinder moments!!  

Shout out to B’ham Man – it was nice to talk to you tonight.  I hope you have a safe trip.  Hugs to Mrs. B’ham Man!  Y’all, B’ham man has confirmed, NO Aliens in Alabama.  And if there had been, he would have had the world’s ULTIMATE skeet shooting contest.  I know he’d have been oh his roof with his cell phone blue tooth headset on talkin’ smack with other friends of ours from college about who’d shot down more flying saucers.  Now THAT is a competition I’d enjoy.  But honestly, lets not give B’ham Man any more excuses to buy more guns.  LOL  That is the one thing he got excited about when we joked about aliens hovering over Alabama.  "I’d have an excuse to buy more guns!!"  God I love you, dude.  If there is an intergalactic take over I’m heading to Birmingham.  I’ll tell my redneck side of the family to rendezvous with us there.  We’d have a compound established within 72 hours.  It would be radical.  :::Now THERE is a word I haven’t used in a while.  I love the word awesome.  But RADICAL is highly under used nowadays.  We went all "anti valley girl" for a while.  I think I will bring it back…  That was RAD.::::

No, it still doesn’t work.  Growing up in Florida I used to have a black t-shirt with a neon print of Donald Duck on it that said, "RaDUCKall".  Yeah, super lame.  Florida 80′s fashion = HORRIFYING pictures of elementary and middle school.    And before NYC Bro starts to chuckle thinking he’s too young to escape, let me remind you of the RAT TAIL hair cut you had my friend.  :::hee hee, he’s gonna kill me y’all:::

Ok, I’m tired and my fingers are sort of glued together I think?  In some places?  Does this Gorilla Glue stuff cause skin problems?  Will it come off with nail polish remover?  Inquiring minds would like to know.

Seriously.

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