So for the past 2+ years I’ve been updating this little "list" on CharlaineHarris.com after each Sookie Stackhouse book. Since its "mine" (with some suggestions from other posters on moments from the books to include, don’t get me wrong – Baltimore Babe always helps out with the suggestions since she’s like a Sookie encylopedia but all the content of the post is mine – the source material, of course, is the property of Charlaine Harris) I don’t feel any qualms about posting it on my own blog. For my friends and family who haven’t read the entire Sookie Stackhouse series of books (there are a total of 9 now – the last one being DEAD AND GONE that came out in May) this will be over your head. This has nothing to due with "True Blood" for those of you who only watch the show. For those of you who have read the books, this particular update was a tough one since DEAD AND GONE had some pretty awful things happen to Sookie and her friends. I tried to be sensitive to those events while still keeping the zany "Sookie gone cray-cray" point of view. Enjoy! (Or not..)
I quote myself: AtlantaSassyBelle on CharlaineHarris.com 2009-08-22 (its like talking in the 3rd person, y’all!)
SPOILER WARNING – There are spoilers below for those of you who have not read all the Sookie Series up through DEAD AND GONE!
"What NOT to tell someone on your first date (and completely out of your dang mind!)", by Sookie Stackhouse.
1) I’m telepathic and I can also read some supes minds…and maybe some vamps now but they can‘t know or they might kill me. Shhhh! Can you keep a secret??.
2) My brother is part Were-Panther. Bitten, not born of course. His best Panther buddy, Mel, turned out to be in love with him and did some awful things. But its all ok now. He’s dead. Who? No, not my brother. Mel! Jason is fine. I think?
3) I’ve had vamp blood from multiple sources.
4) I slept with Bill and Eric (both vampires, whee!) and a Were Tiger named Quinn…no pressure on you for comparison or anything…
5) I’m part Fairy. :::bats eyelashes::: No really! I suggested this nice restaurant because this is where Eric brought me to meet my Great Grandfather for the first time. He’s a Fairy PRINCE! Well, maybe KING now?? Apparently he’s very high up there and quite powerful and protective. For a while there I could like, snap my fingers…and poof, there’s Pappy! Everyone seemed a little scared of him and even my own cousins were scared of him and call him "My Lord". But now he’s back in the hidden lands and can’t come out because there was this huge secret war. They even killed my brother’s wife, Crystal. I mean she was a total hooker and I really really disliked her but no one deserved to be hurt like that just for being related to us. I even killed one of the fairy dudes who tried to kill me…with a trowel! I think its all over now, but they still can’t find my great uncle, Dermot. Did I mention he looks JUST LIKE MY BROTHER and wants to kill me? No, Dermot…not my brother. Sheesh, you’re so sensitive…Don’t worry, I have my water gun in my purse and I never leave home without my trowel… I’m fine now though. But if a seriously gorgeous person starts to sneak up behind me, tell me ok? :::pats her purse:::
6) I had a funny uncle (so lets talk therapy bills) but my ex Vampire boyfriend Bill killed him for me. :::smiles prettily:::
7) My grandmother was brutally murdered by the man who wanted to kill me for sleeping with the first guy I ever dated who happened to be a vampire who was sent to Bon Temps to seduce me because the Queen of Louisiana heard about me from my now deceased deceased (twice) estranged cousin Hadley who was also her lover.
10) My best friend was part of a sex club. A few of them died in the woods when a Maened killed them. Oh, and that Maened tortured me too. Wanna see my scars? Boy howdy, she was a hot mess.
9) My boss is a shape shifter. A true shifter. He can be anything he wants. Its really cool! He just revealed himself at the great Were revelation and turned into a dog in front of all our customers! Everyone handled it really well except for Arlene. I think she was so upset she might have popped a few of her fake fingernails off. She quit so its all good. I was tired of telling her her fake red hair looked “natural” anyway. No one is naturally that shade of tramp. Anyway, the time before that, Sam turned into a LION and killed a bunch of folks to defend me. He’s very protective… His step dad shot his Mom after the Weres came out so if I were you, I’d remember to have a positive attitude around supes, mmmkay? They’re getting a divorce now. Who? Oh, his step mom and her psycho soon-to-be-ex husband.
10) Remember that waitress with the bad hair? Arlene? My so called former best friend is now a psychotic member of the Fellowship of the Sun! After the Weres came out and Crystal was killed she tried to lure me to her house and have her boyfriend and some FOTS folks kill me and crucify me for being a were and vamp sympathizer. Yeah, I know right? They couldn’t even come up with an original crime to commit! So anyway, she’s in jail. Her boyfriend is wounded. The other guys is dead… How? Well the FBI was in town investigating my mind reading capabilities and happened to be available to assist our local law enforcement. I have them on speed dial. Wait, why are you sweating?
11) I’ve seen the man from Memphis and he likes to eat dogs and cats.
12) I’m a friend of the Shreveport pack. Again. Well, after their enemies tried to kill me. And then I helped their Pack Leader figure out he was being duped after a lot of people got killed. There was this whole Were War and it was CRAZY! And now my friend Alcide, who I think still sorta wants to, uhh, well… Anyway, he’s Pack Leader now. He still text messages me from time to time. :::buzz::: Hey, that’s him now. Lord, he needs to work on his grammar. What does, “U on date? Not gud call mi l8tr okthanxbai.” mean? :::holds out phone to show him as he jerks away like its on fire:::
13) Some of the Mississippi Weres want to kill me and continue to try to make my life miserable. They constantly send spies and I had to have the last one hexed by witches. Did I mention they are also my roommates? The witches, I mean. Well, the REALLY powerful one just moved out and back in with her sorcerer boyfriend in New Orleans but I really want to go visit soon. Anyhoodle…the spy is now no longer under the psycho from Mississippi’s influence so she SHOULD be safe…
14) I’ve killed two ex girlfriends of men I dated or were interested in dating me. Do you like your ex? :::raises eyebrows:::
15) I’ve been staked in defense of a vampire who wasn’t really a nice person but she wasn’t as cah-raaazy as the psycho founder of the Fellowship of the Sun who was trying to kill her. :::barely pauses for breath::: Did I tell you he wants to kill me, too? Yeah, because I was a key player in taking down the FOTS headquarters in Dallas. Then I helped a repentant murdering pedaphile vampire meet the dawn. What a roller coaster ride that was! :::gulps a glass of wine:::
16) I’ve been sort of raped by an ex when he was out of control and he’s ALSO my next door neighbor and he, uhh, still kinda stalks me and shows up in awkward places and tells me he’s still in love with me…oops, there he is now! :::waves at Bill who is lurking outside of the restaurant in the shadows::: Don’t worry! He’s totally harmless. I think… I mean he did just kill a bunch of fairies who had kidnapped and tortured me. It was nuts. He got silver poisoning and everything just for me. He’s seriously dedicated to me. I mean SERIOUSLY.
17) Oooh, ooh! Have you ever dumped a body before? I have! It was really scary at first but WHOO, what a rush! We found him in Alcide’s closet. You know, that Pack Master I mentioned who just texted me again?? Did I mention I stayed with him in Jackson? It was totally platonic…well nothing HAPPENED but wow was there chemistry! Anyhoo…Alcide and I were looking for my soon to be official ex vamp boyfriend, the one who is hiding outside :::waves at Bill again::: and this Were got fresh with me. Then we found him dead in the closet! So we dumped the body in the woods rather than reporting it to the police. :::looks at date::: Hey, why are your eyes so wide?
18) When you drop me off at the house I’ll have to show you my spiffy new kitchen. A pirate vampire assassin burned it down in an attempt to kill me BUT my fairy godmother saved me! She was also my COUSIN! Yeah, pretty cool huh? She just passed away protecting me from evil fairy enemies of my great grandfather. I miss her a lot. Its why I don’t drink my tea with lemon anymore…in her honor. :::raises her glass in salute::: Anyway, the pirate assassin was sent to avenge the death of another vamp who Eric staked for me. You remember Eric? Well, he didn’t remember some things :::laughs to herself ruefully::: He’s the other vamp I’ve had uhhh…moments with? But he didn’t remember it because he had amnesia :::pauses for dramatic affect::: and NOW he remembers what happened when he couldn’t remember anything! :::pours herself another glass of wine::: Where was I? Oh yeah! This vamp was sent to kill the person that would hurt Eric the most and he figured that killing me would cause him the most pain. I wonder why that is? :::looks over her shoulder::: Hey, who is Bill talking to outside? Wait, is that Eric?! What is he doing here???
19) Wait a minute. :::pauses::: Yeah, thats Eric. I can sense he’s pretty upset with me because I’m on a date. We had a pretty significant blood exchange a while back with some sort of ceremonial knife. Anyway, instead of being able to control me, it just allows me to feel more of his emotions and him mine. Its technically called a Blood Bond. Ominous, much? It allowed me to save his life a while back when he was being attacked. Freaky, huh? So I guess he knows I think you’re kinda hot… :::bats eyelashes again::: So then Eric calls me up a few months ago and has me bring him this same knife and does some sort of “hoodoo voodoo” in front over another significant vampy sort of dude and apparently we’re “married” according to vampire rules now. Its like a vampire shotgun wedding, minus the baby! We haven’t had “the talk” yet about whether we’re LEGALLY married so being on a date with you shouldn’t make him TOO angry. What? Why do you look like you need the Heimlich maneuver? I know CPR. Do you need help??
20) So have you ever met a Werewolf who was turned into a vampire? I have! He attacked me when he rose. I was dating his boss who thought he was dead. We found his dead body in my cousin Hadley’s apartment (you know, the vampire who dated the old Queen of Louisiana and now she’s dead? Yeah, her place!). I was with a witch who had to set his face on fire to get him off of me! She’s now my roommate so you’ll have to meet her when we get home. We just lost our pet, our cat, Bob. He was her sorta lover and she ACCIDENTALLY turned him into a cat and it took FOREVER to get him changed back… There are some very suspicious kittens around our place now too! Anyway, Bob is a human again and BOY was he PISSED… What? OH! Where was I? Oh yeah! So Werewolf now Vampire dude goes to work for the Queen and apparently TOTALLY flips his noodle! So crazy Werpire collaborated with the Fellowship of the Sun to bomb the vampire summit in Rhodes a few weeks ago! I know! SOOO CRAZY!?!? It was like armageddon, but with vampires, Weres, and aliens from other dimensions. Now the FBI is investigating it and my involvement in the rescue. No, really! :::pauses to drink more wine and waves her arm at the waiter to bring another bottle::: So my now ex boyfriend was there with me, Werepire’s former boss…did I mention he could turn into a Bengal Tiger, one of the most lethal animals on the planet? He’s like 7 feet long when he’s shifted! But he’s as gentle as a kitten…well, unless you tick him off because he’s also a famous Supe ultimate fighter from the pits and I don’t know how many people he’s killed in total BUT he’s killed a few people and a vamp for me…Hey, are you ok? Why are you gripping your wine glass like that. You’ll break it! Here, let me pour you some more! :::pours wine in his glass which is now shaking::: Anyway, my boyfriend was there running the summit and I had no idea just HOW famous he was till we got there. You’ve never heard of him? Quinn? Wow, you’re the first person I’ve met who hasn’t in a while. We JUST broke up and he’s really not taking it well so he might still be a little jealous, ya think? I mean he only attacked or killed people who he thought were trying to hurt me
or keep him from talking to me. Hey, I think thats him arguing with Eric and Bill outside! What a coincidence! :::waves::: Surely going out to a friendly dinner isn’t hurting him? I dumped him pretty suddenly after I found out he’d been incognito because he’d been off in Las Vegas saving his crazy mother’s behind AGAIN and is now indebted to their Vampire King. Did I mention that King just led a hostile takeover of Louisiana and now HE’S in charge? He’s the other guy I saved when I saved Eric so he sort of owes me one. Aaaannnyway, I think the whole vampire marriage thing was to protect me from the new vamp king because he wanted me in Vegas? I mean yeah, VEGAS BABY…but only for a visit. I’m not one for sequins anyway. I can’t believe Quinn is back in town. The last time he was here he violated Eric’s direct order trying to see me and he and Bill got into this HUGE fight and oh oh…I can sense Eric’s anger via my bond. Wow. He’s really ticked off. But amazingly I don’t think its with Quinn. Why is he staring so intently through the window right now? Huh, that’s, like…so weird and stuff. So anyway its been a pretty exciting few months but I don’t think anyone else wants to kill me right NOW and besides, who would try with Eric, Quinn, and Bill right outside? :::turns and waves at Eric, Quinn, and Bill who are now standing at the window and glaring inside:::
Wait, where are you going? They haven’t even brought out our dessert yet?
Puppy update: Shug seems to be out of the woods. Not only is he INHALING the new food I’ve switched him to – Wellness Puppy – he’s almost back to his original energy level (much to Mommy’s chagrin!) and we even worked on a new trick today, "Lay Down" and then "UP!" A few more weeks of practicing that and I think he’ll have it down pat. He’s napping at the moment and later we’ll go for a walk after it cools down a bit and then its BATH TIME for puppy!!