So boys and girls, what have we learned from this years activities of conference jumping, blatantly belated (LONG overdue) infraction giving, basic math challenging conference name changing antics?
BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!
Damn, I love college football.
So it all started during birthday cocktails with the girls on Wednesday night, in belated honor of Chutney Chick. We were all sitting on the deck at Cinco and of course, I bring up college football. Queue the crickets. Now there were some Auburn gals at the table so they took the bait and I dangled the hint in front of them… "The NCAA announces their sanctions against USC tomorrow." "USC?" "Southern Cal. University of Southern Cheaters." :::crickets::: "They will have to vacate their 2004 football season wins…" :::crickets::: "The year Auburn was denied the chance to play in the national championship and we were undefeated." "OHMYGODY’ALL! WE COULD BE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS?!?! WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!" See, I knew they would catch on…
All kidding aside (and yes, I was kidding – my girlfriends didn’t need nearly that many hints) as an Auburn fan, all this sanction nonsense just opens up old wounds I’d rather have let lie to prevent scarring. You see, we pride ourselves on not claiming faux national championships (ahem…unlike our Crimson Cousins from across the state who would gladly accept a national title from the Ladies Home Journal if it came with a houndstooth ribbon tied around it). No really, if we did we’d have 8 national championships (and thats just one fuzzy math calculation) if you use Alabama Math (i.e. claim every championship anyone has ever bestowed upon you. I’m Queen of the World! Sweet!). BUT for the sake of the absurd, lets just say that USC has to vacate their 2004 season (cheaters!), which means they couldn’t be national champions that year. They pistol whipped Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl that year. Auburn went undefeated, lazily beating Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl (many acknowledged that the team was ho-hum about the whole deal since they wanted to be in Miami and not in New Orleans). Should we have played in that game instead of Oklahoma? I don’t think there are many that will argue that point after seeing the drubbing the Sooners took. Would Auburn have won? Now we’ll never know. What we do know was fact? You have an undefeated school from the SEC who was not awarded the National Championship (and wasn’t on probation that year, lets not even discuss the 1993 season – the best team you never saw – I’ll get fired up even more). So if the AP decides to vote on a new champion that year, lets just say that Auburn fans may just start up a campaign and that Tommy Tuberville has already gone on the record advocating it (wouldn’t you?). As an Auburn fan, I have to say that its damn ironic that we got the benefit of this situation considering, ahem…we went undefeated the year we weren’t allowed to play for the national championship a decade earlier because of NCAA sanctions. I’m just sayin’…the irony is NOT lost on me.
So what about the rest of this cluster-f@ck of a situation with the Big 10 (11?) now adding Nebraska? And Colorado to the Pac-10? (Lesson learned boys and girls? Don’t put a number in your conference title unless you’re prepared to kick out the non performers.) So now the Big 10 is potentially going to be the Big 12 (or 16) and the Pack 10 is going to be the Pac 16 (possibly). And its like a game of chess trying to figure out who is going where next. The major conferences are all acting like sororities during rush week, getting ready to go after the best rushees from the finest families and the best pedigrees. Following that crazy analogy, Notre Dame would be like the really ugly girl who comes from an assload of money and she’s also a triple legacy at a ton of houses. Everyone is going after her right now because she’s a "get" but you don’t expect her to win Homecoming Queen. Lets face it, Notre Dame has been the dog of the debutante ball for a few years folks. Call a spade a spade and move on. Meanwhile, Texas comes from old (oil money honey) money AND she’s pretty AND she’s smart. She’s also dating the captain of the football team and can throw the best parties (hostess with the mostest!). So if you get Texas to join your sorority, all the other pretty girls (i.e. her plastic brigade) from her home town (Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Texas Tech) will also pledge. The other girls from her home town who hate her (Texas A&M and Nebraska) have already pretty much decided on other houses. A&M is a legacy at the SEC house (Gene Stallings, former Alabama head coach, is on their Board of Regents) and Nebraska pretty much pre-pledged (dirty rush!) with the Big 10 before rush even started. Meanwhile, smart and new money Colorado knows that she can’t wear her Birkenstocks in the South and that her tie dyed t-shirts may not be welcome in the Big 10 – the PAC 10 is a natural fit and she likes all the girls – they can go save the whales and smell like patchouli with the crazy hippies on the west coast.
And what about the SEC? That sorority house is old row. She doesn’t need to rush…the pledges come to her. They are an exclusive location. Only the best families and you must have references, honey. Legacies have a leg up (hey Texas A&M!) but they also respect their other Southern neighbors. Clemson, Georgia Tech (her Momma was a SEC member but her sister moved to the ACC years ago), Miami, Virginia Tech, ***Maryland, and Florida State may all be invited to Pref Day…but the SEC really doesn’t need to pledge all of them. Frankly, having a monopoly on the state of Florida may be a bit boring and the University of Florida may blackball some of her neighbors… However could you imagine that pledge class? We might not be geographically expanding much, but HOLY CRAZY FAST BATMAN!!! Although Clemson and Auburn in the same conference would REALLY confuse some folks…"Now which one of y’all has a lake?" Lets just say that the SEC house will probably not react (strongly) unless Notre Dame decides to pledge Big 10. If Notre Dame pledges at the Big 10, the SEC will have to react. And she’ll go after the ACC house with a vengeance. Pilfering sisters left and right. Maybe one or two from the Big East house too. And if, and this is a weak if, they can land Texas it would be a rush week for the memory books. But Texas is used to being the richest, prettiest, star of the party and in the SEC she’d just be another member. Maybe one of the prettier pretty girls…but definitely not the belle of the ball. So the odds of her pledging at the SEC house are slim…
Following my crazy Southern Belle logic, people?
Meanwhile, the old Big 12 house is pretty much on is last legs. Girls are turning down the bids they are getting and its only a matter of time before their house is a distant memory…
***After cocktails, Mr. UGA rightly pointed out that I’ve left out one "Southern" cousin that could be in the mix here.
Now reading: The Virtu by Sarah Monette. Good old fashioned fantasy novel. Its been a while since I sunk my teeth into one of these and I’m loving it.
Excited for: The True Blood Season 3 premiere is this Sunday night!!! WHOO werewolves! This season is based on my favorite book in the series, CLUB DEAD.